Goodbye 2011

(I typed this up yesterday, forgot to post it...)

Well tomorrow is New Year's Eve and for once I have some resolutions!

1. Add an extra half hour a day at the gym, making a total of 2 hours. I plan to do elliptical for 30 minutes, half weights, treadmill for 22 minutes, half weights, then stationary bike for 10-25 minutes. I'll probably work my way up with time on the bike like I did with the other cardio.

2. Drop soda again. At least for a few months!

3. Cut back on sugar. I've little by little allowed more sugar back into my diet and I need to cut it back out. I plan to do it gradually because it seems so much harder this time! I think last time, in April, it was easier because I had this fear of diabetes and knew that I needed to make serious changes. This time I feel and look great so it doesn't seem so scary. However, my latest blood work showed my blood sugar (A1c) went up to 6.0 from 5.9 in August. Which sucks!! So that should be good motivation! I need to get that back down and the only way to do that is to eat less sugar!

If I can stick to all that for a while, I think I'll start seeing the weight come off faster again! And I'll be in prime baby-making shape in no time! I am thinking 2012 will be a great year for us! Here's hoping anyway!

I really have learned SO MUCH this year. Like with my blood sugar going up. I wasn't too worried about it because I assumed since I was still losing weight, that must mean that my blood sugar was good. Even though I was eating so much more sugar. But I guess I just thought I was getting everything in check and regulated and my body was processing sugar right for a change and so it would be okay. I'm glad I got a blood draw when I did so that I can take steps to make it better again! This wasn't Dr ordered blood work, this was me wanting to know how I was doing before my appt next month. Which was supposed to be in November. LOL But it's just a little check up, weight and such. So I am wondering if Dr. O thinks that I've stopped losing since my blood sugar went up. Maybe he will be happily surprised!

Also talking about sugar, I have realized that I can't eat it like I used to anyway. On Christmas, all day long I was snacking on sugary treats. Fudge, cookies, sweet nuts, chocolate covered pretzels. Then a HUGE dinner and then some pie. That night I had a slice of sugar cream pie. Something new I tried, pretty good! Anyway, I woke up at midnight sick. :( Sugar NEVER used to effect me like that. I could eat all the sugar I wanted with no side effects. Even the next day, a hefty slice of apple pie was too much sugar and made me feel weird and jittery. It's kinda sad to me that I can't eat like that any more, even on special occasions. But I know that it's a good thing. My body is simply not used to it any more and it is rejecting it. That's a good thing. It's just kinda sad! Because I love me some apple pie! So next year I'm gonna make less pies. Possibly just the pecan pies that Clint and his dad love. And they are yummy enough so I can just have some of that. Or maybe I'll try a lower sugar apple pie or something. But we always waste so much pie so I want to make less anyway. We'll see. But somethings gotta change.

So onto the weight.. The Thursday before Christmas I weighed 206.75 I believe. I didn't go to the gym Friday-Sunday and on Monday I weighed 212.5!!! HOLY COW! That's a LOT of gain for 4 days! I have never had a spike like that! More proof that I just can't eat like I used to. But it's Friday now and I am back down to 208. I love that whenever I have a rapid gain, I also have a rapid loss. I'll be back to my 206 in no time. Which is good because I want to be as close to 200 as I can by my appt! I just know my Dr. will be so proud of my weight loss!

Everyone knows this by now, but I bought a pair of size 16 jeans!! Haven't worn 16s since high school. It feels amazing! And actually I think I am pretty close to a 14. My body is so annoying though. If something fits in the waist, it's always loose around the thighs. So I think a 14 wouldn't be buttonable at this time, but it would look great everywhere else. I will try some on sometime. If I get them I can wear them with a looser, long enough shirt and no one will know they're unbuttoned. I used to do this all the time when I was growing out of clothes. It's the rubber band trick! ;)

Oh so here are my most recent measurements:
December 21
207.25 lbs
Waist: 48"
Thigh: 24.5"
Torso: 39.75"
Chest: 37.75"
Bust: 44.75"
Arm: 13.25"
Lost an inch on my waist! Woot! And quite a bit off my bust. :( Bad measuring maybe? LOL

So we had a nice Christmas! Clint's parents stayed with us, which was nice! We had a family party over here on Christmas Eve. Clint made steak and shrimp and it was soooo yummy! And he had gotten the garage all fixed up so we partied out there, dancing to country music. :) It was a great night. Christmas was spent at Kallie's and everyone, especially the kids, had a great time opening presents! Then that big dinner I mentioned earlier. The next day was pretty relaxed, and the in-laws went home on Tuesday.

New Years Eve will be pretty uneventful. Clint's on nights (3rd year in a row! :/ ) and I don't think I'm babysitting (haha!) so I will either hang out at home alone, go to the bar alone (So not likely!) or go over to Robin's if her and Logan didn't decide to go out. I'm liking option number 3 the best. We can play Wii and have a few drinks and just hang out.

Okay well it looks like I have babbled quite enough! I think I will end this now!

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL!!! I hope 2012 brings happiness, miracles and joy to all!

Post Turkey Day Update

Well I guess I didn't get around to updating before we went to Safford! OOPS! I did measure the day before we left but there wasn't much cahnge. I'm not gonna post it now. But while we were gone, 8 days of not-too-healthy eating and NO exercise (treadmill never got set up), I only gained 2.75 pounds. Not too bad! I was afraid it was gonna be 5 or 6 so this is easy to live with. Today was my second day back at the gym and I already lost a half a pound, so I'll get back to 211 soon enough. I hope to be a few pounds under 210 by Christmas. I should be able to do it, but it is the holidays so it's a little harder.

Thanksgiving week was mostly fun. Just a full week is a little too long. But we had a good time! Delicious food and got to visit with some family which was nice. But we're happy to be home, especially Zoey! All those other dogs wore her out! :)

While away my MIL took our Christmas pictures! We got some good ones, and I already got my Christmas cards ordered so I'll have them out soon! :)

Also on black Friday we got the Kinect! WOOT! My MIL helped us as our Xmas present which was nice! I couldn't justify spending that kinda money on ourselves right now, but splitting it in half made it so much better. And I'm so glad we got it, it's so much fun! I'm sore today from playing yesterday. I think this will be a great boost to my exercise, and fun for both Clint and I! It's nice to have something that we both enjoy!

I've also been trying to get caught up on the DVR! I'm almost caught up on Ellen and am caught up on all my important/favorite shows (Glee, Parenthood). I've got a couple Thanksgiving & Christmas specials (Gaga included) and some reality TV to catch up on. And Animation Domination but we'll do that together sometime soon. And I've got 2 netflix DVDs to watch and get sent back... LOL.. I watch too much TV. I know this.

Clint's best friends dad passed away and tomorrow is the Memorial, and we're going to show our support.

Sunday (if my pictures come tomorrow) I'm gonna scrap with Robin. If not I'll probably whip out the Christmas decorations.

Monday is Clint's doctors appointment. Hopefully he gets the approval to go back to work!! Also while in town, we're gonna do some shopping, including a Christmas tree!! Can't wait for that! Last year we moved too close to Christmas and didn't get one.

And that's that! Now I'm gonna go continue getting caught up on my shows. :)

IDK what to name this, so.. 11-15-11

It's been a little while since I've updated! Whoopsie!

Well I skipped a Measure Me Wednesday because I had GAINED weight and was 2 lbs heavier than the previous measurements. Halloween candy was bad for me! But since then I have gotten back on track. I measured last Wednesday and here are the results:

November 9
214lbs
waist: 49.5"
thigh: 25"
torso: 40.25"
chest: 37"
bust: 46.5"
arm: 13.3"

Some of the measurements actually got bigger which had me confused. But I'm gonna assume (for my own sanity) that it's because my body is changing due to muscle. I'm hoping to be going down in inches with all measurements next time, which I think will be tomorow since I think we will already be out of town for Thanksgiving by next Wednesday. Of course, it would be interesting to get pre and post Thanksgiving stats... :p

Today I weighed in at 211.75!! So I am having another good week! I've changed up my routine for the last 2 1/2 weeks though. For starters I am working my way up to 30 instead of 25 minutes on the elliptical. This week I'm doing 29, next week will be 30. I haven't changed the level of intensity yet, but once I get comfortable doing it for 30 minutes, I'll start moving up the level again. Then I am only doing half the weights each day (rotating which machines I do each day), and then I am doing the treadmill for 22 minutes. I don't have a set speed or elevation on the treadmill, really. It's kinda my cool down and I just do what I feel comfortable. I keep the speed between 2.5 and 3 and I start the elevation at 5 or 6 and move it up to 10 for at least a couple minutes.

I think this new routine is helping shed the pounds. Doing half the weights, I'm gaining less muscle (but still working my muscles!) and therefore losing faster. It feels good to be losing again!! I think I really needed this boost to make me feel like it wasn't gonna take forever to hit 200lbs! I haven't increased the weight that I lift on any of the machines in a while. I think after Thanksgiving I'll increase the ones that I feel comfortable. I really want to lose as much as I can by Thanksgiving, since I know I'll be gaining a few back! My MIL said she would set up the treadmill for me so at least I'll be able to get some exercise during our Thanksgiving visit! :)

Maybe after Christmas I'll start doing more weights again. Or maybe after I hit 200 lbs. Or maybe I'll do that by Christmas? :)

In other news, Clint's knee is healing well. He has physical therapy twice a week and is doing good with that, I guess. His next appt with the surgeon is Dec 5th, and at that time he'll decide if he's ready to go back to work or not. Fingers and toes crossed that he gets approval!! The black Friday check will be the first check with no worked hours on it. NOT looking forward to it. But hoping it's not as bad as I think it will be.

I would be lying if I said that I haven't been pretty stressed out lately with him not working, but we'll get through it!

On a positive note, we haven't been driving each other crazy!! He has adapted to my routine. I get the Tv in the morning till I go to the gym and usually when I have lunch and most evenings whenever I have shows on. He gets in the rest of the time. :) It works out pretty well! :) We don't spend a ton of time together, we just each do our own thing.

UGH! MY PHONE!! For a couple days it was freezing up constantly and driving me nuts!! Yesterday I finally did a factory reset on it. So now its running well again. But I've only had this refurbished phone for like 2 1/2 months. It shouldn't be acting up already, and if this becomes a habit, Verizon will be hearing from me! LOL I sound so tough, huh?

I'm really looking forward to Thanksgiving. We are probably gonna spend a full week in Safford since Clint isn't working. We should have a few days just us and his parents, which is always nice. His mom is gonna do Christmas pictures for us too, so yay! And the food!! Can't wait!! I'll be making my pies and nuts, all of which are pretty darn delicious! And of course turkey and taters and YAMS... MMMMMM!!! So cannot wait!! BTW, we are celebrating on Satruday because that's how we roll. :)

I will try to update again before we head out of town.

Measure Me!

Alright the challenge was fun, but I guess it's about time for a real update!

Most importantly, Clint is having knee surgery on Tuesday. This is an old injury (like 6 years old) that he never got taken care of. A couple times a year his left knee pops and swells up and after a few days it's back to normal. It did it again a few weeks ago and was more sowllen than I've ever seen it. It didn't get better as fast and he finally decided to do something about it! So we went to the local dr, who sent him to get an MRI and referred him to an orthopedic surgeon. He has a pretty bad "bucket handle" tear on his meniscus. It's pretty gnarly lookin'. Its definitely something that's gotten worse ove there years, and was probably just a simple tear initially. But there's no telling really. So he can either deal with it or have surgery. Obviously we chose surgery. It's scheduled for Tuesday morning. He gets to "go under" for the first time! The doctor says he'll be off for 4-6 weeks but Clint doesn't think it will take that long. I'm afraid he'll go back to work too soon and hurt himself. But I guess the doctor won't clear him to go back until he thinks its okay. We have short term disability coverage and we can supplement with his vacation that he hasn't used, so we should be okay money wise. Not great, but we won't be losing any vehicles or anything. LOL. I'm kinda excited for him to get it fixed and not have to worry about it so much anymore! I am hoping he'll feel like he'll be able to do more things. Like whenever I mention going skiing or something, he brings up his knee. So I'm hoping he'll feel more comfortable with something like that. Not that we ever do anything like that anyway. LOL
Oh I guess I should mention it's a pretty simple, out patient surgery. :)

As for me, I'm doing good. Still losing weight, but more slowly than before. HOWEVER, I am realizing that the weight isn't as important anymore. I'm gaining muscle so it's making me lose pounds more slowly. I'm still losing fat just fine, I think. So it's making it harder to guage how I'm really doing. So I've started doing measurements every other Wednesday (IDK why I chose Wednesday). I'm trying real hard to make sure I measure the exact same way each time. I think I'll just go for full disclosure and post my inches (*blush*):

[b]October 6:[/b]
Weight: 218
Waist: 49.75
Chest: 38.5
Bust: 45.5
Torso*: 41
Thigh: 25.5
Arm: 14.5

*Torso is at the smallest part of my torso, just for shits and giggles. :)

[b]OCtober 19[/b]
Weight: 216
Waist: 49
Chest: 38.5
Bust: 45.5
Torso: 39.25
Thigh: 25.5
Arm: 13.5

So only 2 lbs lost in 2 weeks BUT as you can see I lost 3/4 of an inch in my waist and my torso and an inch in my arm. I find it interesting that the wasit and torso seem to go at the same pace, and that my chest and bust do as well. I wonder if they will always be like that.

On [b]June 22[/b], I did some measurements. I'm not sure that I measured the same way I do now, but let's see anyway...
Weight: 257.25
Waist: 54
Bust: 49

So I think I'm making good progress! I wish I would have measured back in April when this all started!

So anyway. I really didn't intend to do all that. What I was gonna say is that with the muscle gain, I'm not sure what I want my ending weight to be. Pounds aren't important anymore. So I'm not sure what matters. I guess just being happy with my body, getting out of plus sizes. I still for sure want to get under 200 (15.6 lbs away). So I don't know. We'll see how I feel I guess!

So speaking of all that muscle mass I've gained. I LOVE finding new muscles!! Obviously I know where to flex to see my arm muscles. And I can make my boobs move with my chest muscles (hehe) but I found my torso muscles.. I guess that's my obliques... I put my hands on my torso and lean one way or the other and I can clearly feel muscle that I've never felt before. So yesterday I tried to feel my abs and I have to squeeze my hand into the fat real hard and thrust (it looks pretty dirty, good thing I'm not a guy!) and I can totally feel my abs! It's oddly exciting!

Today I went through all my clothes again. This time I included winter clothes. I've been wondering what I have in the way of winter clothes, and guess what... I'm set! All my sweaters that I bought when I worked at Lane Bryant (2006) fit great. And I've got a couple long sleeve shirts. Woot woot! So I (almost) filled a bin with "fat" clothes (and swimwear), but I've still got a bunch of stuff hanging in my cloest that's really too big. Why? Because I just wear them around the house and they're comfy and well I guess I might as well get my use out of them! I'll add them to the "fat" bin when they get annoyingly big. And no, I'm not getting rid of the stuff in that bin just yet. I don't know how long I'll hang onto it. But that doesn't mean I think I'll go back to being that big. I really DON'T believe that I'll ever get that big again. But its just hard to let go of, and some of it will make good maternity and post-baby clothes. So there's my justification. :p

I hate that all I seem to talk about anymore is my body! But it's what I've got going on right now, so deal with it! ;-p

One more thing... If you ever find yourself on a weight loss journey... TAKE PICTURES!! I LOVE looking at my first picture (which I plan to share at the end of all this). I was so fat! And comparing it to my most recent picture is just awesome and fills me with pride! :)

Okay I'll stop babbling now. I think I've said all I've got to say...

Till next time...

Blog Challenge Day Fifteen

Day 15: What were your highs and lows of this past month?

I'm assuming this doesn't mean October but means the last 30 days.

HIGHS:
Baby Blaine was born (my new nephew)!
I got to see my MIL.
We had a blast at Melissa's wedding last month!
I fit into (and look good in) XL shirts finally!

LOWS:
I had some dietting downfalls.
Clint needs knee surgery.

**********

And that ends my blog challenge! I've had fun! I'll try to do a real update soon! :)

Blog Challenge Day Fourteen

Day 14: What did you want to be when you grew up? What are you now?

In this category, I have so far failed my younger self. I never REALLY knew what I wanted to be. I toyed with the ideas of vet, teacher, photographer, even retail management like my mom. I think realistically I pictured myself in some kind of office. But I never had a clear cut plan. BUT I always planned to work. My mom raised me to be independant and not rely on a man. She has never put herself in a position where she relies on a man. So I just *knew* I'd always work. The one thing I always knew I wanted to be was a mom. I even thought I wanted to be a single mom for a while because I was raised by a single mom and she did great, and I didn't think I'd want to share my children!

What am I now? A homemaker without kids. Obviosuly I plan to have kids. But I don't really plan to be a working mom anymore. I'll go back to work if I have to. If Cling gets laid off or we are just so broke. I'll do what is needed to take care of my family. But if we can afford for me to not work, I don't plan to. I sometimes feel like I failed myself, and my mom, in that aspect. I know my mom is proud of me and has faith in my marriage and in Clint. She has never made me feel like I'm doing the wrong thing not working, or like she is disappointed in me. But she didn't raise me this way and there's a part of me that thinks she wishes I would be a working woman. What if something happened to Clint and I have no way to support myself and the children we may have? I don't have any qualifications that would get me into a good paying job. I guess it's just one of those things that you don't think will ever happen to you. Clint will be fine, our marriage will last forever, and I won't be in a situation where I'll have to provide for myself completely. That's just the things we tell ourselves to make life a little easier, I guess.

Blog Challenge Day Thirteen

Day 13: If you could go back and tell your 15 year old self something, what would you say?

Here's a handful of things I'd say:

"Don't be such a dork."
"He is never gonna love you."
"Don't eat so much crap, it will make you fatter!"
"Smile more."
"Don't cut up, write on, or add stickers to pictures. You'll regret it someday. Also don't scribble out faces or write mean things in your yearbooks."
"Learn to do your hair and make up. Better yet, experiment the way other girls do even if it looks ridiculous."
"Don't be so insecure!"
"Find a way to go to prom, or at least homecoming."
"Don't be so standoffish. People will like you!"
"Don't be embarrassed by your love for NSYNC and Justin!"
"Appreciate your mom... and your brother."

Blog Challenge Day Twelve

Day 12: Bullet your whole day

Okay here's a normal day, Mon-Sat. (Times are "ish")

8:30-9:00: Get out of bed, get dressed
9:00-10:30: Watch TV (DVR recordings or NetFlix)
10:30: Time for breakfast (oatmeal or cereal, eaten in front of TV, of course)
11:00: Gym time! Elliptical for 25 minutes, weights for about 45 and treadmill for 12.
12:30: Shower
1:00: Lunch (Lean Cuisine) and TV
1:30: Light housework (dishwasher, counters, laundry if necessary, etc)
2:00-4:00: Whatever I want. Usually scrapbooking/card making (while watching Netflix or listening to music)

If Clint is on nights:
4:00: Wake Clint up, start dinner.
5:00: Eat dinner
5:30: Clint leaves
5:30-7:00: I clean up, water yard
7:00-10:00: TV, internet, etc.
10:00: Bedtime, reading, internetting, etc till I fall asleep.

If Clint is on days:
4:00-6:00: More of whatever I want, eat a snack, etc.
6:00: Water yard if necessary
6:30: Get dinner prepped
6:45: Clint's home, start actually cooking
7:15: Dinner time. Watch Clint's shows till bedtime, unless I have two on at a time, then we watch mine. :)
9:00: Is usually bed time when he is home. He crashes out quick I read, internet, etc till I fall asleep

Yes I'm aware I watch too much TV. But at least I go to the gym.

I thought about bulletting paydays and Sundays but I'll spare you. :)

Blog Challenge Day Eleven

Day 11: What is your favorite movie and why?

I don't have a lot of depth with these things. Pretty Woman is my favorite ever movie. It's been my favorite since I was about 10 years old. Why? Because "It's the best" I guess. :)

Other favorites include, but are not limited to:
*Beaches
*Grease
*Moulin Rouge
*The Object of My Affection
*Cruel Intentions
*Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory
*Where the Heart Is

Blog Challenge Day Ten

Day 10: Give a picture of 5 of your favorite famous people and explain why you like them.


1. Justin Timberlake


Because he is so hot and awesome and I've been in love with him since I was 14 and that kinda thing doesn't just go away!

2. Ellen DeGeneres

Because she is so funny and just a great person. She does so much good for people, and if all rich/famous people were so generous, I think the world would be a better place!

*The first two were easy, this is where it gets harder and probably a little less sincere*

3. Ryan Murphy



Because he created Glee AND Nip/Tuck!

4. Guiliana & Bill Rancic



Because they have been so open with their struggle to have a baby.

5. Taylor Swift



Because I'm still a teeny bopper at heart and I think she's awesomesauce. She writes her own music about her real life, and I think she's a good role model (except for that whole John Mayer thing.. what was she thinking?)

Blog Challenge Day Nine

Day 09: Describe someone who fascinates you.

Hmmm... this is hard. I don't think I'm easily fascinated.

I'm gonna say... The Sister Wives family.

It's not a lifestyle that I could ever see myself in. But it's so interesting to watch them. How the sisterwives interact and seem to really love each other. How allllllll the kids really seem to get along and enjoy being part of a big family. I don't get what's so great about Kody, the dad, that all these women want to be married to him, though. He seems like a big kid and would, get on my nerves! I think it's kinda nice to see a polygamist family that's not like Warren Jeffs and his creepy stuff. The Brown family.. the wives.. have all chosen to live this lifestyle, and they take the good and the bad and make it work. And that's what all families are about, right? The children get to choose, when they're older, whether or not they want to live the polygamist lifestyle. Their parents aren't trying to force them to follow in their footsteps. It's just all very interesting to me.

Blog Challenge Day Eight

Day 08: What is one of your favorite TV shows? Explain.

Seriously just one?! Wow. Okay, this is gonna be tough for me!

Well I have to go with my all time favorite that will surely be my favorite forever: FRIENDS!

Friends is an awesome show. The cast was amazing, it was well written and it was just so funny. It's the only show that no matter how many times I've seen an episode (and I've seen each episode dozens of times), it's STILL funny. Even when I know the line that's coming next, I laugh. And it's serious too! When Monica and Chandler couldn't get pregnant and decided to adopt and he describes Monica as "a mother without a baby," that part makes me cry every time. Each character is unique and adds something to the show. Ross being the dinosaur obsessed nerd. Phoebe the ditzy hippy. Rachel being spoiled and fashion obsessed. Monica the formerly fat neat freak. Chandler with the job that no one knows what he does. Joey the usually out of work actor who is good with the ladies. And then the recurring guest characters like Richard and Janice. Without each one of those characters, cast by the right actor, the show wouldn't have been what it became and it wouldn't have lasted near as long. It's just the best show ever, and I can't imagine I'll ever get tired of it!

Blog Challenge Day Seven

Day 07: Describe your relationship with your parents/siblings.

First a little background:
My parents divorced when I was a baby and my mom moved us from Arkansas to Arizona. I have an older brother, Chris. My mom met my step dad when I was about 5 and they were long distance for many years, and finally married in 2005. My dad remarried also but it didn't last and he is married again. Neither of those women are like a mother to me.

I will start with my mom. We have always had a close relationship. I may have kept things from her growing up, but now I know that I can tell her anything. She will never judge or make me feel bad about things, she'll only give me the best advice she can. And she's usually right. She lives in Oregon and we don't get to see each other nearly often enough. Twice a year at the most. But we manage to maintain a solid relationship, and are awlays there for each other.

Chris is 3 years older than me. Growing up, we fought like crazy. But that's pretty normal for a brother-sister relationship, I think. I believe that moving as much as we did kept the three of us close as a family. Starting when I was 8, Chris became my after school babysitter. He was really my main male role model, which is kinda weird. But he is the only male I was aruond often. Growing up, we always covered for each other. I remember when I was about 11, he and I were fighting and I threw down the electric mixer in anger and I broke it. He came up with a lie to tell mom about how it broke. We really never tattled on each other. I don't think that's normal for a brother-sister relationship, but I'm glad it's how we were. Now that we're grown, we remain pretty close. It's tough because he lives in Arkansas and I haven't seen him since my wedding (June '09). He has a almost 6 year old daughter whom I haven't seen since she was 17 months old. I hate the distance. And we don't talk enough. But somehow we're still close.

Something I love about my family is that we communicate well. My mom can always be counted on to smooth things over. If I'm having some kind of issue with Chris, I just have to talk to her about it and she can help me see his point of view. And if it's necessary, she can talk to him and everything will be okay. We are a very emotional group, the three of us. I don't know if "emotional" is the right word, but we're not afraid to say/show how we're feeling. I think that's a good thing.

Then there's my dad. Well, we lived far from each other. Chris and I went to Arkansas for about two months every summer. I'm not gonna lie, I never really felt like I fit in in Arkansas, with my cousins and everyone there and all the outdoorsy stuff. It just wasn't me. I think it took a few years for me to warm up to my dad (I started going to Arkansas when I was about 5). I always spent a lot of time with his wife-at-the-time, Twyla. Now that I'm all grown up, I realize that we don't have a very close relationship. He doesn't know me like my mom does. But we have talked more often over the past couple years, and I feel like he is making more of an effort to keep in touch, which is nice. In the future I hope to be able to have more "real" talks with him, but for now we're good. :)

I feel like I should mention my step dad Keith, because he was a father figure to me. But like I said, they were long distance so he wasn't around every day. But we saw him once every other month or so, I'd say. He is a quiet man, doesn't show much emotion. But I know without a doubt that he would help us out whenever we needed it. He's a good man!

***This was my 100th blog post!***

Blog Challenge Day Six

Day 06: If you could have any job in the entire world, what would it be and why?

I would love to work for The Ellen Show!! Or somehow in the entertainment field, where I get to meet lots of celebrities, and get all kinds of inside gossip and freebies and get to travel! Obviously this wouldn't fit into the domesticated life I have and plan to keep. But in another world, I would love to be in the entertainment industry somehow, NOT as the talent, of course, but behind the scenes. I say The Ellen Show because she seems like she would be so fun to work for, and maybe I'd get on the show from time to time... be one of the people she sends out to surprise families with new cars or do funny red carpet interviews. That would be an awesome job, I think! :)

Blog Challenge Day Five

Day 05: Do you have any favorite websites? What are they?

Well this one is easy!

1. Facebook (duh!)
2. The Mommy Playbook (TTC Forums)
3. Just Mommies(Scrapbooking Forum)
4. My Fitness Pal (I mainly use the mobile app though, it's been a huge help!)


So yeah... those are the ones I use on a daily basis.

Blog Challenge Day Four

Day 04: Put your iTunes on shuffle and list 10 songs that pop up. How do they describe you?

I'm a little confused because it doesn't say the FIRST 10 songs that pop up. Does that mean I get to pick & choose?
Well I will try to find meaning in the first 10, but may skip a couple.

1. "Not Myself Tonight" - Christina Aguilera: Okay, sometimes I want a girls night out and I act a little goofy and crazy.
2. "Drink & Dial" - James Otto: LOL This doesn't describe me anymore, but there was a time when I would drunk dial and always regretted it! Ah, memories...
3. "Listen" - Beyonce (except this is the Glee version): This describes me because it doesn't! I've been lucky to have never had anyone trying to tell me that I'm less than I am, I've always had my own voice and been my own person.
4. "My Girls" - Christina Aguilera (again?!): Okay this doesn't sound much like my friends and I but I call my friends "My Girls" so there. And this song is so fun.
5. "Only Fooling Myself" - Kate Voegele: This is another that doesn't describe me anymore. But in my single days I was big on daydreaming about the guys I liked liking me back. I guess in that respect, I still daydream about things. Just different things now (like being thin!)
6. "Permanent" - David Cook: I love this song! It describes me (wel, us), because we are permanent. "When all you know seems so far away and everything is temporary, rest your head. I'm permanent."
7. "Two is Better Than One" - Boys Like Girls & Taylor Swift: Describes me because.. two is better than one! And I'm happy to be in a twosome. :)
8. "Take It Off" - Ke$ha: This doesn't describe me at all, lyrically. But Ke$ha is great to exercise to, which is very much a part of who I am now!
9. "Wolves" - Garth Brooks: I think this song describes a lot of people nowadays! The wolves are knocking at all our doors. We have debts that we are dealing with, but the wolves aren't pulling us down anytime soon! :)
10. "Lucky" - Jason Mraz & Colbie Calait (but this is the Glee version): This describes me because Clint really is my best friend, and I am very lucky to have him.

Blog Challenge Day Three

Day 03: Discuss how you hope your future will be like.

Well, how far into the future are we talking? Let's see...

In 10 years, I hope to have two kids, a boy and a girl. Hopefully they'll both be school age by then. Clint will be in a better, supervisory position here in town. (I'm gonna emphasize that this is what we HOPE for, so it doesn't have to be entirely realistic, right?) We'll have a boat and lake property. Maybe even some kind of off roader for here in town. We won't be rich by any means, but we'll be well off with a savings account and all the things we need, and not living paycheck to paycheck. We'll have a second dog, a Boxer. I'll stil be a scrapbooking fool, but I'll also have a nice garden. I'll surely be a better housekeeper by then (ha!)...

When we reach retirement age, we'll go live on our lake property, which by then will have nice big trees and a big-enough-for-us house built on it, with lots of windows. Clint will spend his time fishing and I'll spend mine... scrapbooking? gardening? shopping? gossiping? Not sure! Our kids will visit often with our grandkids. Visitting us at the lake will be a fond memory that our grandkids will cherish forever. We'll just be a happy, old married couple! :)

Blog Challenge Day Two

Day 02: Share 30 interesting facts about yourself.

I can't guarentee they'll be very interesting...

01. I wear a size 10-11 shoe. (ew!)
02. I didn't get drunk for the first time till I was 19.
03. I moved around a lot growing up, and hated it.
04. But now I feel like moving around kept us close as a family.
05. I'm not that into shopping.
06. I lost my virginity when I was almost 19.
07. My first car was an '86 VW Cabriolet convertable and I loved it!
08. Is it possible that you don't know that I used to be obsessed with NSYNC?
09. And I still love me some Justin Timberlake!
10. My first job was at Subway
11. When I'm driving alone, I crank the music up and belt it out!
12. I didn't get my license till halfway through senior year.
13. I don't tan easily, especially my legs, which have been described as "clear" instead of white.
14. I never watched Fraggle Rock... apparently that's weird.
15. When I was 14, I won Third Eye Blind concert tickets on the radio.
15. Growing up, I always had crushes on my brothers friends. Some of them lasted for years.
16. I'm afraid of losing too much boob.
17. In 6th grade I frequently got bad grades on homework, and was supposed to have something signed, but I never wanted to show my mom so I had detention for weeks at a time till the teacher forgot.
18. It always took me a while to make friends, but once I did, I kept them forever.
19. Even when I got good grades, I often didn't show my mom my report card because it would remind her to ask for my brothers report card.
20. I am lucky to have married into a pretty awesome family.
21. I never used to be outdoorsy until Clint came along.
22. I watch way too much TV.
23. I recycle and try to be "green"
24. My first concert was Brooks & Dunn when I was 11.
25. I have an ex boyfriend that stole my credit cards.
26. I'm not even a little bit religious.
27. My brother and I used to fight like crazy, but we always covered each other when we broke something or did something wrong.
28. I haven't gone to the movies since 2007, ot maybe it was 2008. The Simpsons Movie. Yeah...
29. When I was little I wanted to be a vet.
30. My first kiss was when I was 13 with a boy named Dan Hickey.

Blog Challenge Day One

Day 1: Describe your current relationship.

What to say about my marriage? I am happily married to Clint....

We met Nov 12, 2005. His sister Robin and I were friends and were having a birthday party at her house for our friend Rheannon. She invited her brother. At the time I wasn't looking for anything serious, so when we hit it off I thought it would just be a fling. Wrong! We ended up "dating" until February 2006, when he decided to take a job about 5 hours away and at the time I thought I wanted to live in Prescott forever. In May he moved back and we got back together right before my birthday. We moved in together in August, but that only lasted until October. I'm really not sure what happened then. We just weren't getting along and decided we were better off apart. He moved out of town again and I ran away to my mommy (in Oregon!!) Before I even got to Oregon, though, he realized he just couldn't live without me and made plans to follow me to Oregon. I got there at the beginning of December and he got there the day after Christmas. That lasted 2 weeks! Seriously, we were really rocky for a while! So he hauled his butt back to Arizona and I stayed in Oregon and tried to get on with my life. I'm not sure how long it was (a month or so?), but he texted me out of the blue one night and we started talking again. I visitted AZ in April and got to see him and in May (2007) (right before my Bday, again, lol), he flew out to help me drive back to Arizona. And we haven't broken up since! (okay, once for a few hours, lol). We finally realized that we are better together and agreed that breaking up isn't an option. Not over stupid stuff! We got engaged Christmas 2007. We finally got married in June 2009. We have had our ups and downs and have grown stronger over the years, and we are solid. I can't see anything coming between us.

Over the last couple years, I've noticed that we communicate so much better than we used to. When he gets mad he doesn't get so worked up about it, doesn't throw things (he never threw things at me, just threw them). When I am upset I'm pretty good at telling him why. When either of us have an issue we are pretty good at discussing it. We don't always agree but we can usually find some common ground.

Our marriage isn't perfect. We have our problems, financial and such. But what's most important is that we have each other, we love each other and our little dog. We ultimlately want the same things out of life. So we are happy! :)

Blog Challenge starts tomorrow!

So because I am a copy cat and have to do everything my SIL Robin does, I'm doing the 15 day blog challenge! Although I can't guarentee I'll do it in 15 days (but I'll try)! Here's the challenge:

Day 01: Discuss your current relationship.
Day 02: Share 30 interesting facts about yourself.
Day 03: Discuss how you hope your future will be like.
Day 04: Put your iTunes on shuffle and list 10 songs that pop up. How do they describe you?
Day 05: Do you have any favorite websites? What are they?
Day 06: If you could have any job in the entire world, what would it be and why?
Day 07: Describe your relationship with your parents/siblings.
Day 08: What is one of your favorite TV shows? Explain.
Day 09: Describe someone who fascinates you.
Day 10: Give a picture of 5 of your favorite famous people and explain why you like them.
Day 11: What is your favorite movie and why?
Day 12: Bullet your whole day
Day 13: If you could go back and tell your 15 year old self something, what would you say?
Day 14: What did you want to be when you grew up? What are you now?
Day 15: What were your highs and lows of this past month?

Check back tomorrow for day 1!

Well it's been almost a month so I guess it's time for some kind of update from me!

As of this morning I am 53 lbs down. That's good, but last week I was 55 lbs down! I had a bad food/exercise weekend! I don't beat myself up about it too much because I'm learning. I'm learning how important exercise is. I ate badly too but I feel like it's the lack of exercise that makes me gain. I didn't go Friday because I never go on payday (its a busy day) and I didn't go Sunday because they're closed. I could have gone for a walk Sunday night though! But Sunday night we were at my sister in laws house till after dark and I didn't even think about it anyway. I know that I'll be back on track this week at lose at least those 2 lbs back.

As far as my exercise routine goes, I'm getting lazier. I haven't done the treadmill or gone for a walk in a while. And I don't always do all the weights. I always do some, and usually do most, but I skip around more. On a positive note, I have upped the weight on some of the machines by 5 lbs! So that shows progress.

As for food.... eh. I'm not eating nearly enough fruits and veggies anymore. But I'm still not eating terribly. Still no mac and cheese and very little potato. I guess where I used to do fruits and veggies I do 100 calorie packs. I still have veggies as a side as much as I did (which really isn't enough). And for breakfast instead of fruit I'm having oatmeal (low sugar maple & brown sugar) or cereal (whole grain cheerios, stawberry yogurt burst). But a girl can only eat so many apples! But I have cut out soda again!

And clothes! Well I am fitting into all my smallest stuff. Well I haven't gone through winter clothes yet, but they should be the same size as everything I'm wearing. I have a coulpe pairs of jeans that fit and a handful of shirts, but all the shirts are summery. So as fall is approaching (I'm in AZ, it's not here yet!), I'm really gonna need to buy a few "in between" size shirts that are more seasonally appropriate. I actually have bought a couple that are a size too small. That way I have something to shrink into. I think I'll do that little by little so that I'm more prepared. I'm not looking forward to buying "in between" jeans because I have a hard time finding jeans that are long enough, and usually get them at Lane Bryant, which isn't cheap and I hate to spend $40 on jeans that will only last a few months. And yes, the next size down is still shoppable at Lane Bryant, but after that I have to find a new store. I just realized that. Weird. Kinda exciting to think about too!
Is it weird that I plan to hang most of my "fat" clothes for a while. It's not that I plan to have to wear them again, but some of them could potentially be maternity clothes, or after baby comes clothes. I guess I'm nervous about it. I'm confident that I'll be able to keep the weight off, but I just feel like I need to hang onto them for a while.

Speaking of having a baby, I'm pretty sure I've decided that 200 lbs isn't small enough for me... I want to get to 175 now before getting pregnant. I know I know.. I just keep putting it off. But I have "thin" within my reach, and I feel like I need to go for it. I've never been thin. And I'm sure I've said it before, but the healthier I am, the easier it'll be to get pregnant, and it'll be a healthier pregnancy. And I'll have a cute baby bump instead of a "is she pregnant or fat?" bump. LOL. And I'll feel really good about myself, and be able to do things I haven't been able to do. Like get hit on but something other then old men! LOL JK JK I really meant like doing something athletic! Not sure what but I want to try something athletic once I get below 200. Or hiking. Something.

I really should just call this a weight loss blog.

But onto the non-weight loss stuff....

My phone died 2 Saturdays ago and it was devastating!! LOL Seriously! Clint was on nights and I was all alone and had no connection to the world. That totally weirds me out! Thankfully, my awesome hubby let me borrow his until my replacement came. It was a pain in the butt getting it back to how my old one was, but it's good now! :)

Well I think that's it! I'm gonna leave you with a link to a video that you've got to watch! My my awesome talented brother! :)

Click Here!!

Amping It Up!

Lately I've been amping up my workout routine! I don't want to plateau and I don't want to be flabby! For starters, IO'm doing a higher level and faster speed on the elliptical. And I've started doing the dreaded weigtht training. For the first week or so I was doing it kinda half assed... not pushing myself, and not really keeping track of how much I was doing in terms of weight or reps. But I did a little reading online and talked to a friend who knows what she's doing better then I do. And now I've been pushing myself. Here's what I've started doing (so far only done it twice.. I'm gonna do every other day because I get so sore!):

Machine..............................................lbs
Arm Curl.............................................30
Tricep Extension..............................40
Shoulder Press................................20
Back Extension................................85
Rotary Torso, 40*, both ways....50
Hip Abduction.................................55
Hip Abduction2..............................55
Leg Press..........................................85
Leg Extension.................................55
Seated Leg Curl..............................55
Seated Row.....................................55
Chest Press.....................................25
Lateral Pull......................................55
Rear Delt/Fly..................................55

I do three reps of 10 on each one. There are some that I could do a little heavier, like the leg extension. There are a few that I'm totally embarrassed at how little I can handle. Like the chest press is SO hard for me! But I know that I'll see improvement before too long. I already feel like I'm getting stronger, but it might just be that I'm lighter. Like (and I'm about to make myself sound like a lard ass) it's easier to get up off the couch. LOL. But seriously. If you've ever been overweight, you will understand. And if you haven't... well you're lucky! But anyway, I look forward to getting strong! I've never been strong and it will be nice to feel like I could kick some butt if I needed to. I wish Bagdad had classes to offer... there's someone that does Zumba but it's just the videos which I could do at home. I would love an aerobics class or eventually a kickboxing class or something.

Oh, also as part of my amped up workout routine, I've been trying to go for walks at least a few times a week. It's hard to do when Clint is on days because it's still too hot before he gets home, and after dinner it's dark. I can go in the dark I just prefer not to. I'd like to start doing a 2 mile walk most evenings but it hasn't happened yet. I know the route I want to take I just haven't done it yet. I will when Clint goes back to nights next week though!

I am about 5 lbs away from the 50 pound mark. HOLY COW!! I'm hoping to get there in two weeks (fingers crossed!) because I'm spending a night in Prescott with my friends and we're going out to dinner to celebrate Melissa's upcoming wedding and I'd like to be 5 lbs lighter. Not that it's gonna make much difference in how I look.. maybe just so I can tell them I've lost 50 lbs. I saw Jessica yesterday but I haven't seen the others in about 30 lbs so I'm excited! :D

I don't think I've blogged about my missing iPod yet... so sad!! It's been about a month. I think someone must have stolen it out of my truck, in my driveway. I always leave it in the truck and when I take it out it's at the gym where it stays on my body the whole time. Makes no sense! I have been missing my iTunes purchases so whenever I'm in the office/craft room (like now), I listen to my iTunes. But I think I'm gonna get a cheapy 2gb iPod soon. It's a pain in the butt listening to music on my phone at the gym because the headphone thing is kinda messed up and if you bump it it disconnects. So annoying. But I guess I am just glad I can listen to music on my phone! It would suck to not have music!

I recently discovered the Notepad app, which is how I'm typing this. I'm able to type on my desktop, put it on my phone, and copy and paste to my blog. It's nice to not have to type all this on my phone! There really is an app for everything! There's nothing I can't do from my phone. At least not that I've found yet!

Well I guess I have babbled enough for one post. Till next time...

Appointment Update

I had my appointment on Tuesday but there's really not much to say. Dr. O didn't give me the baby making goo ahead. He, too, wants me to get to 200 lbs. I can't help but think he is just pushing me because I am doing so well and he doesn't want to see me stop yet. Which isn't totally fair but since I wanted to wait till 200 anyway, I'll go along with it. However, once I get there, we will be TTC! By then my A1c should be in the normal range too. My insulin already is! :) he was very impressed and proud of me though! And since my insulin was good, he didn't have to raise the dosage of metformin which is nice! I don't feel side effects from it, but I thought I might if I was taking twice as much. I did ask if I will have to be taking the met forever and it depends. Once I get to a healthy weight (he says 160, I'm saying 175... 160 seems way too little for me), I will stop taking it for a while and do some tests and see how I do. If my insulin and weight stay good, then I can stay off. But if not, it will probably be a lifelong thing. Which I'm totally okay with if it keeps me from getting fat again!

All this time I've been losing weight, I've been thinking about just getting to 200, so still being heavy. But the closer I get the more I realize, I really would like to be thin. Not skinny, not honey, but skin. Flat stomach, maybe. But I have never been thin so it seems so weird to even think about! LOL. I asked Clint how he would feel about it, and he says he is happy if I'm happy. I sas afraid maybe he liked heavy girls! LOL. And I wonder if he will be less okay with me having a girls night out if I get "hot!" LOL. He says he wont get insecure. But we will just have to wait and see!

Okay well my melatonin is kicking in and its good old grocery shopping day tomorrow. Clint (and likely Zoey) are going too, so it should be interesting. Long day ahead! Good night Blogosphere!

PS- Either someone is crying/wailing next door or there's a cat dying out there or something. Wtf?

Doing Good!

I have been saying that I'm gonna update but it just hasn't happened till now. I should probably wait till after Tuesday's appointment, but, eh, I better do it while I'm in the mood!

We cancelled our internet a few weeks ago, so its a PITA to blog from my phone. So bear with me!

So I am a whopping 41 lbs down! That deserves a happy dance! Its hard to believe I'm 34 lbs from 200! That's nothing! I mean its a lot, but its so close! Of course the closer I get, the more I think I'm gonna want to get to 175, but we'll burn that bridge when we get there!

I feel great! It seems like just about every day I notice some new place that its noticeable. Obviously my waist line. Shorts that I couldn't button in April fit perfect, if not loosely. There's extra room in my bras (which I'm not thrilled about, but it happens). Those are the obvious places. I've realized that its noticeable in my thighs and even my calves (which Clint pointed out) and my face! Clint pulled up a pic on his phone from April and pointed out the difference. I LOVE when he points things out to me. I have mostly been wearing the same shirts this whole time, and I'm realizing that they're looser. It all just feels great!

The other day I went through allllllllll my clothes. There were a few things that I was hoping I hadn't gotten rid of, but found that I have, which is a bummer. But I still have a bunch of old shirts that either fit well again now, or will soon! It was a lot of fun trying everything on. I didn't mess with winter clothes because they don't matter yet anyway. And it gives me something to look forward to! ;)

So I got my blood drawn last payday and the nurse called a few days later with results. Good news!! My A1c, which is my long term blood sugar, went from 6.3 to 5.9, which I think is really good! Pre diabetic range starts at 5.7, so I'm almost there! My insulin went from 17 to 8 too which is good! I will know more about what the numbers mean at Tuesdays appointment, but I was happy to know they went down! Yahoo! I may be mistaken, but I believe they just like the A1c to be below 6 before getting pregnant, so I think maybe we will get the go ahead at this appt. However, I still plan to wait till I reach 200 lbs. Which will be hard to do once we get drs approval, but I still feel like its the right thing. Then I'll get off the pill and continue to lose weight while we TTC.

So that's that!

I haven't scrapbooked in probably a month. I just got burn out... I hope to get back into it soon though! Not scrapping has made my days much more boring.

I think that's all there is to talk about.....

I'll try to update after Tuesday if I learn anything interesting at my appt!

Random Babbling

So I guess it's about time for a real update. But there's not much to say! I am currently 28.5 lbs down. Looking forward to that 30 lb mark! One of my best friends is getting married at the end of September (sorry if I've mentioned this already) and I want to lose another 30 by then! I have a dress that I've only worn once and only Clint has seen me in. It's nothing fancy or special. Just something that's practically new! But I believe I was about 220 when I wore it. So it's really just over 25 that I need to lose by then. Assuming I lose weight in the same places that I gained it. LOL. I think it's an achievable goal. But I won't be too disappointed if I don't reach it. I know that the second 30 lbs will be harder to lose than the first 30. And I'm sure I will have something else that I'll be able to wear if I have to. I hope that I don't have to buy anything new because I just don't want to shop until I get very close to by goal weight!

I scheduled a drs appointment for August 2 (Robin has one that day too, yay for going together!) and I'll get blood work right before that so I am excited to see how much my A1c drops! I'm also excited to see how proud my doctor will be of my weight loss! Even if I don't lose any more weight by then, he'll be proud (I've doubled since my last appt). But I hope to lose another 10 lbs by then. Fingers crossed!

I have been acting up a little though. I may have already blogged about this, heck, I can't remember! Oh I know I blogged about adding in small amounts of soda. I've also started sweetening my tea again (half a packet of sweet & low). Also one my lower calorie days, I often "reward" myself with a handful of chocolate chips. That's bad, right? It's still not coming close to putting me over my calorie goal for the day, but it doesn't make it good! Also I'm having more bread. I get so tired of just ham steak & an egg for breakfast, putting it on toast makes it so much more enjoyable. I know an 80 calorie slice of bread isn't gonna kill me, but I just hate that I'm starting to add things back in. I almost bought juice too! But I was able to resist that. I always want to buy candy bars when I'm at a checkout, but all I have to do is look at the 300+ calories and I don't do it. HOWEVER, Skinny Cow now makes candy bars, and they are sooooo good! I haven't seen them at checkouts yet, but I did buy a box. I don't eat a whole package at a time (the one I got is little clusters, 5 in a package). But that's not what I need to be snacking on, I need to go back to snacking on fruits and veggies and hard boiled eggs. I hope I can get back on track. Again, I know that even with all that, I'm still doing good. Still losing weight, and still staying under my calorie goal every day. But still. It's not the right thing for me to be doing.

HA! And I said that I didn't have much to say!

The last few weeks I've been Netflixing the series Life Unexpected. It only lasted 2 seasons, and only 26 episodes. I watched the last disc yesterday. It was such a good show, I can't believe it didn't last! In case you don't know, it's about a girl who was put up for adoption as a baby, spent her life in foster care, and found her birth parents when she was 16 and the judge put her in their care. Her parents had her at 16, so of course they weren't together, which led to some awesome, dramatic complications. But also a lot of wonderful emotional moments. So I was really disappointed that it didn't last. But I was so happy with the way they ended it. I was afraid it was gonna be a giant cliffhanger like so many shows that get cancelled too early, but it ended with closure for the viewers.

Okay, I'm done. But I want to share some of my favorite pictures that Jenn at Jennifer Rice Photography took of me the weekend of my birthday. I don't think I've ever felt like I look so pretty, except maybe at my wedding. She did a great job! (I may not have resized them perfectly. I forgot to do it in Photbucket, so I freehanded it.)

Envy & Appreciation

Most of the time we think about what we don't have. We don't have enough money. We don't have enough friends. We don't have enough nice things. We don't have a family. We don't have pets. We don't have a sports car. But most people rarely take the opportunity to think about what they do have. We have a roof over our head. We have vehicles to get us from A to B. We have people that love us. We have a job. We have fresh air to breathe. We have food on our table. We have things to occupy our time. We have life.

I've been thinking lately. Everyone has something that someone else wishes they had. And everybody wishes they had something that someone else has. So I think about the things about my life that others might envy. I have a husband who loves me and takes care of me and provides for me. I have the most amazing dog. I have the best family-in-law a girl could ask for. I don't have to work. I have fantastic friends that have been and will continue to be there for me through anything and everything. I have time on my hands to do the things that I want to do. I have an amazing Mom who has seen me through everything, and a brother who has always been my protector.

I also think about the things that others have that I want. I want to not live paycheck to paycheck. I want a husband who is a little more sensitive and thoughtful. I want children to occupy my time. I want to decorate my house. I want to travel. I want ambition to follow something that I'm passionate about. I want to be out of debt. I want more of a social life. I want to own a place that we can call home forever.

There are people in my life who have a lot of the things I wish I had. Anyone reading this.. if you're a parent, I envy you. If you see all your friends on a monthly basis, I envy you. If you have the means to travel and buy all the things you want and need, I envy you.

I have some friends with jobs, college and children, or at least 2 of the three. They don't have a lot of free time and I often get the feeling that they envy all the free time that I have. I have time to scrapbook and go to the gym and spend with my husband or friends or family. They don't have as much of that time, so they have to be more choosey about how they spend their free time. What they don't realize is that I'm jealous of them. Okay, I don't really want to go to school and would only want a job if it was something I enjoyed... but children. I would love to have children getting in the way of my scrapbooking and using up all my money and making it hard for me to do anything social.

One of my best friends is starting a photography business and doing wonderfully with it. I wish that I had something that I was passionate about, as she is about photography. Something that I cared enough about to want to learn more, and want to pursue it as a career. I envy the passion that she has.

So what I'm trying to say is appreciate what you have, because you never know who is out there wishing they were in your shoes. Love your spouse, love your children, love your pets, love your house and your possesions and your job. Don't take it for granted as so many (myself included) do. Appreciate what you have and don't dwell on what is lacking in your life.

Things I Learned From The Voice

No no... not my inner voice or the voice of God or the voices in my head (although i do learn a lot from them)! I'm talking about season one of NBC's The Voice! So here is what it taught me:

1. Cee Lo Green is always either underdressed or severely overdressed... there is no happy medium with him. Also, he must have a deal with Adidas. If he doesn't, he will soon.

2. Carson Daly is still relevant, thought not quite as awesome as he was in his TRL days. But I'm happy to be seeing him again.

3. Blake Shelton is hot, and sweet and just plain awesomesauce!

4. American Idol has nothing to worry about.

5. Christina Aguilera is so annoying. I hate to admit this because I have always been a fan. But if she wasn't worried about her image before, she should be now.

And who says TV isn't educational?

PS- I will be watching Season 2 even though Season 1 didn't completely rock my socks.

25lbs Down

I am so excited to say that I hit the 25 lb mark today!! I actually teared up a little on the scale when I realized that I hit that milestone. I am a very proud 250 lbs now!! And still going, of course!

That's really all I wanted to say. My husband, who doesn't seem nearly as impressed as I want him to be, asked what we're doing to celebrate (since I mentioned a 25 lb reward the other day) and so I guess I'll make cookies. He definitely wants some. I think he misses the wife that used to bake on a very regular basis. I feel like I should start buying cookies and stuff again so that he has snacks like that. But I know I'll get into them more than I should. He likes my skinny cow ice creams. Maybe I'll just buy more of those, or some 100 calorie packs. I've thought about getting some 100 calorie pack cookies for me anyway. A while back Walgreens was selling Skinny Cow candy bars, and I got one and it was delicious! I should see if I can find those as a special treat from time to time.

Oh well I guess I can talk about something non-diet related. My brother is no longer engaged. I didn't get any details, but it was definitely his doing. He is just never satisfied. I don't want him to settle or be unhappily married, but I so badly want him to settle down and be married and maybe hav more kids. I hate to think that he'll be a bachelor forever, but I wouldn't be surprised if that's what happens. But I guess as long as he's happy, right? Well at least I hadn't started making their invitations yet. Anyway, I'm bummed. Cuz I really liked Cheristy from what I knew of her. Obviously we'd never met, but I've talked to her on the phone and on Facebook. I just want him to find a good girl and hang onto her! Okay, mini-rant over.

I've been working on getting my scrap room/office cleaned. Almost done. But I realized there's a bunch of mini projects that I want to do, that I'll work on once I'm done with the basic cleaning. I need to organize all my pictures, go through some really old papers of mine, see if its anything I need to keep, burn the rest. I of course also plan to reorganize my scrapbook paper. But I'll start scrapping again at Robin's before I get into all the extra organizing. And when I'm home instead of scrapping, I'll organize. It'll all get done eventually. Not like I'm in a hurry.

I guess that's it from me!


PS- Hey, if you know any dietters, send them to my blog. Maybe I'll be some kind of inspiration. And I need more followers. :)

Guilt

Ugh. I had my first food guilt yesterday. Every other time I've cheated the diet or just had a bad diet day, I haven't felt about it. Either it was a special occasion or I just felt like I deserved it. But yesterday was just uncalled for. I had a scrambled egg and toast for breakfast. That's fine. But then Robin & I went into town for grocery shopping day and since she didn't have the kids, we went to Olive Garden. Between us we had three salads. I had 2 breadsticks and a bowl of the chicken gnocchi soup. It was all delicious. My lunch calorie total was 750 calories. I knew that was a lot more than normal for lunch, but still not too big a deal. I got through the day with cravings everyday I passed cookies or candy (Aunt Flow is here so the cravings are bad). I wanted a cookie so bad. But I did good all day. Then on the way out we were hungry, so we stopped at Sonic for a snack. Sonic doesn't have shit for dietters anymore. I tried to order a small popcorn chicken but apparently they only have one size of that now (althought I'm thinking if I had said "kids size" it may have been a different story). So I got the regular size. I was able to resist getting a chocolate malt... only because I looked up how many calories are in there.. over 500! But the popcorn chicken. I didn't have to eat the whole thing. But it was so good, and so I did. I'm so mad at myself for that! And then I got home and decided to just do leftovers since there was plenty of chili left and I didn't want it to get wasted, and I was tired from the day of shopping. So I did also have a small bowl of chili and cornbread. Such a bad diet day. I went over my calorie goal of 1720 by 279. :( I know that's not terrible, I know it could be worse, and I know that it's only one day. But I was so mad at myself for it last night. Most days I have at least that many calories to spare. I don't know if I've mentioned that I use the app MyFitnessPal to count my calories. Well at the end of everyday it tells you "If every day were like today, you'd weigh xxx in five weeks. It's been saying in the low 240s... 242, 241, obv it varies day to day. Yesterday it said 248. Maybe it's good for me to see what a difference it makes, though. Maybe it'll keep me from having bad days more often. And I guess I should be happy that I could eat like I did yesterday and still lose 5 lbs. Really, that doesn't make sense... Oh well.

So today, I put a little extra time and effort in at the gym, and it felt good!

I guess I should mention that MyFitnessPal counts net calories. So food calories minus gym time = my net calories. Normally I burn at least 200 calories at the gym. Today it was 400something. So, had I gone to the gym yesterday, or could log the exercise I got walking around the stores, my net calories wouldn't be so bad.

See, it was good for me to type this out, I feel a little better now. :)

Alright, that's all.

Time flies!

This month is really going by fast so far!

I can't believe it's already almost payday again. I love payday, but hate grocery shopping day. I need to learn to shop for a month instead of two weeks. Of course that would take a whole paycheck! LOL
So tomorrow I have to make the menu, take inventory, and make the list. Ohhh but I think I'll try out my new grocery shopping app! Always a bright side! :)

Well I can't get very far into a post these days without talking about my body. I am over the 20 pound hump! That was so exciting! Even more exciting is that in just a few pounds, I'll be under 250, which means I won't have to move that bottom thing on the to 250. That's an accomplishment for me. :)

I'm really starting to notice the difference! The other day I realized that I was down to wedding weight. No, I didn't try on my wedding dress. But I did try on (and wear!) a skirt that I was wearing around that time. It fit snug then (like I wasn't buttoning it kinda snug) and it fit the same way now. But the point is it fit, and I had stopped wearing it because it got to wear I couldn't wear it without buttoning it. It has to almost be able to button to get away with wearing it. Am I the only one that uses this trick? Also, last summer my Mother-in-law gave me two identical pairs of shorts. They were a size too small. I could wear them, but not comfortably.. again, I used the no buttoning trick. I could button them, but they were really uncomfortable and didn't look good at all. I've always worn them around the house a lot. Well I've realized that they're much more comfortable when buttoned lately. I still unbutton them a lot, mostly when I'm sitting. But they fit so much better!

But I am so so sick of Lean Cuisines & Healthy Choice meals its not even funny!! I have got to find something new to do for lunch. I just don't even want to eat anymore. It's terrible. Yesterday to spice it up I actually drank 5 hours of diet Pepsi. And with breakfast I've been adding a slice of toast to my egg. It makes it more enjoyable, and I know these things aren't gonna kill my diet, but I do think they can slow my progress. If I keep adding in these little things, eventually I will be back to all my old habits. And I can't have that. So I need to find another way to make my meals more enjoyable. Or just get over it, I guess.

I've added a new snack to my life: Celery and PB. Yep, Kindergarten style. I eat too much fruit and fruit has sugar so I'm trying to find more veggie snacks. Yesterday I didn't love it but today it didn't seem so bad. So I guess it'll work.

I think I want to make a veggie soup sometime. That might be a good lunch. I also wanna add kabobs to our dinner menu. I can load mine up with chicken and veggies, and he can have, like chicken and potatoes I guess. Maybe I'll even try some new veggies that I don't normally love like zuccini.

Nothing to update about my gym trips, still going. Oh except I started going at 11:30 ish instead of 1:30 ish. It leaves my day more open, and it's nice. But the TV at that time of day sucks! I often end up watching Saved By The Bell. LOL

The pool is finally open!! I haven't gone yet, but happy it's open. :)

Well it seems like I had more to say, but I can't remember any of it now. So I'll end this. Later taters! :)

No More Bullshit!

That's something my nephew used to like to say, and as I type it I say it in little kid voice... more like "No Mo Booshit."

But I've decided with my blog, where my weight loss is concerned.. No more bullshit! You may notice that my goal on my ticker has jumped to 75lbs. You may also notice that my ticker has my BMI on there too. It is a little sad that my goal BMI is still in the overweight range. As I get closer, I may decide to shoot for a full 100lbs. But I'll decide on that later. It's been soooo long since I've been there (lik, high school) that I can't even picture what I'd look like. I can't imagine myself being skinny.

I'm also not gonna be beating around the weight bush. I started this journey in mid-April at 175lbs. That's the most I've ever weighed. This morning I weighed in at 257.25lbs. My goal is to weight 200lbs. I believe when I met Clint (5 1/2 years ago) I was about 210. When we got married I was about 250. When I stopped working is when I put on the rest of the weight, pretty much. Once I get down to close to 200 lbs, I may decide that I should get to 175 or 180. I can't imagine weighing any less than 175. And that's at the high end of healthy weight for my height. I can deal with that. But for now I would just love to be at 200 lbs. I think about how I looked back then, and of course at that time I wasn't happy with myself. In fact I have much more self confidence now than I ever did back then! But that's because I've grown comfortable with my body. It wasn't something that I had the drive to change, so I had to accept that that's how I was. I learned to accept my body and be happy with it. And Clint has never made me feel like he wasn't happy with how I looked. He has always encouraged me to lose weight and is supportive of my diet. But he's never made me feel bad about myself like so many husbands do. For that, I'm very lucky!

I have made a decision that has been in the back of my mind for weeks now, but I never wanted to admit to myself that that's the decision I wanted to make. I've decided that I don't want to start trying for a baby again until I'm at least 200lbs. Even if/when Dr. O gives me the go-ahead (which should happen before I get there!). I feel like if I get pregnant before I reach that weight goal, I won't be able to get back on the ball after the baby comes. It will only be harder with a baby in the house. Who is gonna babysit so I can go to the gym every day? Its hard for me to admit that I'm putting myself first. I feel like it's the right thing to do though. As much as I hate to think that it will be so. long. before I get to hold my own baby in my arms, even though I'm tearing up as I type this because it's making it seem more real, I beleve in my heart that it's the right thing to do. We've still got some good baby making years ahead of us. I need to do this now. And the healthier I am, the healthier my pregnancy will be, and the healthier my child will be. And isn't that what matters most?

I can't predict how long it will take for me to reach my 75lb goal. At this rate, I'm losing about 10 a month. So if I keep it up at this rate, maybe by Christmas? But if I plateau (and surely I will eventually), who knows how long it will be. Could be next summer. I hope it's at least by spring. That would be a year from when I started.

I do have a good feeling about it. I feel like once I get down to a healthier weight, it will be easier to convieve, and hopefully less likely to miscarry. If we have to take fertility drugs again, that's fine. Of course my big fear is wasted time. What if I'm being selfish, and "wasting" all this time trying to lose weight. Every month we don't try is one less fertile month. It's one less chance at conception. What if when we start trying again, we don't get pregnant after a few months, and we find out that there's a bigger problem? Something that we could have been working on while I was losing weight? That thought terrifies me. Then we would have to wait even LONGER. We may be getting thinner, but we're not getting any younger! What if we find out that we can't have kids at all and now they won't let us adopt because we are too old? There are so many fears that go along with this. But I have to have faith in my decision. I have to trust that this is the right thing to do. And I do. I just hope I don't get proven wrong.

So enough of that. Last time I posted, I expressed that I was afraid I didn't lose any weight over the long, birthday/holiday/MIL in town weekend. Well, I did! 1.5 lbs! So yay! And today at the gym, I did a 40 minute workout (instead of my normal 25-30) and had a higher resistance, burned 480 calories. Hopefully I can keep up with that kind of workout at least this week to make up for last week a little. :)

Well its time for me to end this super long post. Time to get scrappy! :)

Do I have to be 27?

I feel so old! Yesterday was my birthday. 27 and still no child. GAH! Oh well. I had a nice birthday weekend anyhow.

Friday I went to Prescott. I went to Jenn's and we hung out for a while and then she did my hair and we went out and did pictures! I can't wait to see them, they're gonna be so pretty, because she is a great photographer! But we kinda lost track of time and we were late to the next thing which was a Passion Party at Jessica's house. That was a lot of fun! We each made a couple small purchases. After the sales lady left, they brought out penis cake for me. LOL. Jenn & Jess made it. I only had half of a hairy ball since I was still trying to be good, but it was yummy. Also at Jessica's I had a couple margueritas, which probably wasn't best for my blood sugar, but oh well.. it was a party! The rest of the night didn't go as planned.. at all. We ended up going downtown to a couple bars... no one was really in the mood for it. But we had some fun anyway. Downtown has changed so much, though. So weird. We got back to Jenn's around 2AM and it was bed time!

The next day I had to do my shopping and did not get enough sleep, so that sucked. I was really scatterbrained and cranky. Nothing was going my way that day, it seemed! But when I got back to town, I went to the post office and found a nice card from my mom, with some cash which was a nice surprise (one that made me feel better about how much I spent on groceries... eating healthy is more expensive. :/ ). THEN I came home and it was clear my mother-in-law had been here. There were flowers and a card from her and one from Kallie (SIL) and a Cricut cartridge from MIL. And my house was all kinds of clean. And there was a "Happy Birthday Janessa" message written in chalk on our walkway from my neice Holly. She helped Nana clean my house. lol.

That evening when Clint got home from work, we went over to Kallie's for dinner. Steaks, grilled carrots, steamed broccoli, garlic rolls and salad. Yummo! Home, then bed time soon after. I was tired!

Yesterday was my actual birthday and it was just a pretty quiet day at home. I made some Father's Day cards, and Rhonda (MIL) & Holly (neice) came over for a little while to hang out & chat. Oh and I made myself some birthday brownies. Thankfully Rhonda and Holly helped eat them, so they are all gone now and I can go back to being on a good diet today...

I am a little worried though! I didn't go to the gym all weekend and today they are closed for Memorial Day. Tomorrow I'm going to Prescott for Robin's gender ultrasound. That's FIVE days without the gym. And a weekend that I certainly didn't eat right. I'm nervous that I'll have gained weight. I should have at least gone Friday morning, but I didn't get up in time. So.. grr.

At my doctors appt last week, my doctor was very proud of me. He said "I don't know what you're doing, but you've lost 14 lbs! Keep it up!" Of course now it's 16 lbs... well, it was on Thursday. So that was a really good appt. He gave me the scrip for Metformin which I plan to start today. Not looking forward to it though!

Update on Zoey, just in case anyone was wondering. She is fine, all back to normal.

Well I guess that's all. I plan to post again today with that picture post that I said I'd do a while back. There's not gonna be a ton of pictures though, because I forgot to bring my camera to Prescott over the weekend, and the ones I did with Jenn aren't ready yet. So maybe I'll wait till next month to start a picture post. The only thing I'd have to put in it from this month would be the pictures from the D Backs game. So idk. We'll see. Maybe Jess will post pix from Friday soon and I'll do it then.

Done rambling. Later taters!

Halfway There!!

This week, I've been weighing myself everyday, just for shits and giggles. I want to see if I notice a day to day difference. It's gone up and down just a smidge, but nothing reportable. I was starting to think I've plataued since I hadn't lost any all week. I'm gonna blame it on Aunt Flow... because now that she's gone, today I was 1.75 lbs lighter!! Yahhooo! Which puts me just over halfway to my first goal of 25 lbs!! HALF WAY!! I'm so excited for my appointment on Monday now. Dr. O better be proud of me! :) Hopefully I'm real lucky and the second half comes off just as easily. Then I can set me new goal of another 25lbs. :) I've lost weight before, but I feel like this is really different. I'm not just trying to drop a few pounds, I'm trying to change my lifestyle, trying to achieve our dream of parenthood, trying to safe myself (and in turn, our children) from diabetes. It's all worth it.

Today I found a picture of me from 2007. It was at a time that I had been dietting and lost about 15lbs. So I know how much I weighed in that picture. I looked so good! Not skinny, of course, but not so fat either! If I can get there again, I'll be thrilled! That's currently over 50 lbs away. That picture is my new inspiration!

Time for an update on Zoey! It's hard to say. She seems to have more energy, and she has drank on her own a few times now. She still isn't excited to see me when I get home from the gym and stuff, but she is excited to see Clint when he gets home from work (I try not to let it hurt my feelings.. lol). She still hasn't eaten any of her food, and sometimes denies treats. But we have been feeding her so much people food, so why would she need to eat hers? She still sleeps almost all day. But then I gotta think, how different is that than normal when Clint's on nights? She would normally spend most of the day in bed with him anyway. She still isn't playful though. So I'm really not sure. We are still keeping a close eye on her, and probably overanylyzing every little thing.

Justin is hosting SNL tonight! Yay!! TMZ showed pictures of him and Andy (Adam?) Samburg dressed in the getup that they wore in their "Dick in a Box" and "Mother Lover" videos, so I'm sooo excited to see what they do now! :)

Well that's all. It's almost 8 and I still want to get some scrapping done tonight!

WTH?! *Spoiler alert- AI and Bones*

Okay, last week James went home. That was so wrong! I thought for sure he would win the whole thing! And this week, Haley?! America got it so wrong. So so so wrong. I'm just kind of in shock! Now it is down to Lauren and Scotty. While I like Lauren much much better, I think Scotty will win. Boooo! Obviously, I was very disappointed tonight...

...Until about an hour later, at the end of Bones! I squealed and did a happy dance and couldn't stop smiling when Bones told Booth that she is pregnant, and its his! If this doesn't bring them together, I don't know what will! Next season should be amazing! I cannot wait!

On the news tonight, there was video of a stroller with a little girl in it getting ran over! The SUV went right over the title girl, who managed to only get a few scratches! Amazing! The SUV driver wasn't at fault because the crosswalk light had changed to "stop," but I don't get how they didn't see the family right in front of them! There was a big truck next to them, said to be blocking their view. But they should have been able to see the family before they hit them. Its crazy. But wonderful that the little girl and her family are okay!

Song Challenge Days 28-30.. The End!

Day 28 - A Song That Makes You Feel Guilty

Why would a song make me feel guilty? Instead, I'll choose a song titled Guilty. But believe me it in no way relates to my life!


Day 29 - A Song From Your Childhood

This is another one that reminds me of my Grandpa. He had this on tape and everytime I went to his house, since I was very little, I would want to listen to it and listen to it. I loved it so much. And I loved him so much, so it's a great memory. He was a very musical man.


Day 30 - Your Favorite Song From This Time Last Year

Either a song from Glee, maybe....


Or a song from Idol, possibly...


Or maybe this...



And with that, I end this long journey of the 30 Day Song Challenge, which lasted much longer than 30 days. Oops! :)

Sick Puppy

My poor Zoey hasn't been feeling well! For a few days she has been acting different. Sleepier. But most concerning was that she was shivery. Then she wasn't wanting to eat, not even her treats, and we realized that she wasn't drinking much. So yesterdy morning we called a vet in Wickenburg (about an hour away), and we scheduled an appointment for today. The receptionist said to try to get her to drink gatorade, for the electrolytes, and we got her to have some of it. She was just so weak yesterday, stumbly when she walked. You could tell every move she made was so difficult for her. My poor girl. I should also mention that for weeks she's been licking her paws a lot and the last couple weeks she's had a few "asthma attacks." That's the best way I can describe it with words. Just kinda having trouble breathing, but then she's fine right away. So we took her to the vet this morning (appt was at 8:30, which is when I normally get out of bed... yawn.) The vet, Joanne, was really nice. We told her everything, even brought a stool sample. She checked her all out and said that she has a mild fever and it sounds like allergies too (the wheezing and licking). Her poo was parasite free (yay!). Joanne put her on steroids and antibiotics. The anitbiotic is a liquid because they didn't have a small enough pill for my tiny dog. We have to give her both 2 times a day for a few days, then drop the steroid to once a day, then to every other day and so on, depending on how she's doing. We are to call if she doesn't get better in a few days or of course if she gets worse. If she does get worse, they will test for valley fever (which is a $100 test.. yikes!) and go from there. I hope it's not that! And I doubt it, because she already seems better! Even this morning she wasn't so shivery. When we ate dinner tonight she was right there begging, like normal. And when she heard something outside, she went running and barking into the back yard. So I'm sure she's going to be fine, but I'll continue with the meds anyway. Better safe than sorry!

Yesterday was weigh day, which surprisingly had be down to 11lbs lost. It was 9 two days before. WTH! I love it, but WTH! LOL. I feel like I'm lying, making it up, like it's not possible to lose weight that fast. But it's true, the scale doesn't lie (its a good gym scale, not the cheapo one I have at home). And being on my period, I didn't expect to LOSE any. So weird! But wonderful!!

A couple weeks ago, I decided that once I got to 10 lbs lost, I would reward myself with brownies. I have 3 bags of brownie mix in my pantry from before the diet started. But now that its come off so fast, I don't know if I want to do it. I do. My god it would be delicious!! But I feel like I've made such progress that I shouldn't hinder it. But then I think that I deserve it! And I won't eat the whole pan in one (or two, even) sitting. I'll be good and make it last. I won't be too good when it's still batter. But... Anyway. We'll see. I'm sure I'll make them in the next couple days. :D

I got some scrapbooking done today! 3 pages, plus I finished one that I started the other day. I am feeling inspired and motivated again and that makes me happy! I don't know if its the crops with Robin or Friday's shopping trip, but either way, I'm glad!

I guess that's all! I'm gonna go clean up the kitchen then watch Glee and probably The Voice before bed time rolls around!

Check The Ticker!

Yeah, that's right, 9lbs already, as of yesterday!! I'd say I'm moving along nicely! I'm so proud of myself! :D Tomorrow is my real weigh day but I don't expect it to have changed. Then again, you never know! :)

Needless to say, I'm still doing good with my new healthier lifestyle! I even went on the first day of my period, which was yesterday. And that's my way of saying that it finally came (not that I mentioned on here that it was late... didn't want to get any hopes up), and that I finally got to start my birth control... yay? It still feels weird to be taking birth control. But I guess I gotta do what I gotta do. My doctors appointment is on the 24th, I believe. He'll weigh me (yay!) and check my BP and all that. And if it looks like the bc isn't screwing with me, he'll perscribe me the Metformin, which will suck but will probably... hopefully be worth it! But I'll talk more about that once I actually start taking it, which I don't plan to do till May 30 at the earliest. My birthday is on the 29th and I don't want to be dealing with a new medication on my birthday, darnit! :)

The big 2-7.. Whoopdidoo. I'm only looking forward to it because I'm going to Prescott on the 27th for an overnighter and we're gonna go out and do karaoke... after Jessica's passion party, that is! :) It will be the first time I've celebrated my birthday with my friends since my 23rd, so I'm excited and it should be fun! Here, since Clint's mom will be in town, I'm hoping we can all have dinner together. Either at a house or a restaurant, I don't care. But if for some reason we can't all be together, hopefully Clint & I will go out.

It sucks having my birthday so close to our anniversary though. It all comes out of the same paycheck. :( We are really wanting to go to another Diamondbacks game for our anniversary, but Clint will have to take a vacation day, so we'll see.

Robin & I have been scrapbooking together and it has been GREAT!! I have gotten so much done in the 3 days (one full day and two afternoons)! 10 full pages and one that's almost done. Plus one I did yesterday by myself. At this rate I'll have the album that I'm doing done in time for when I need it for! Can't say! :D

I guess that's all I've got to say! Oh, I was thinking that I'll start doing once a month picture posts. Since I never post pix, and would like to, but it's a pain in the ass. Maybe if I do it all at once. So at the end of the month I think I'll post a bunch of pictures!

Hope everyone has a great week! :)

Song Challenge Days 25-27

Day 25 - A Song That Makes You Laugh

Another one from Glee. :)


Day 26 - A Song That You Can Play On An Instrument

I used to know how to play this on the recorder..


Day 27 - A Song That You Wish You Could Play

I chose this one because I used to know how to play the chorus on piano, and my Grandpa was alays teaching my brother and I how to play it. And I miss my Grandpa very much and this song always reminds me of him.

Song Challenge Days 21-24

Day 21 - A Song That You Listen To When You're Happy

I don't go to any specific song when I'm happy (I'm always happy!), but I do love the heck out of this one...


Day 22 - A Song That You Listen To When You're Sad
Gah! I don't have a go to sad song! I don't have a go to song for any emotion. So I'll pick the first sad song that pops into my head... Okay it was the third one to pop into my head..


Day 23 - A Song That You Want Played At Your Wedding
I really wanted this one played, but it was too new and I didn't have iTunes yet, and couldn't find it on FrostWire.


Day 24 - A Song You Want Played At Your Funeral
Again, no idea what to choose here. The only funeral song I could think of was this one, and I can't imagine it being played at my funeral.


Okay that's it for today. I wanna get this over with soon because I am way behind, and because I don't think anyone really cares. lol. Night!

5-8-11

Today is Mother's Day. And I thought last Mother's Day was hard. This year really could have been my first Mother's Day. I was pregnant, after all. I would have a 2 month old right now. I try not to dwell on it, try not to be negative and bitter. But maybe today there it's okay to be bitter.

It's hard because I feel like I want acknowledgement. I want my friends and my family to not tell me "happy Mother's Day," but to in some way show me that they know that it's hard for me, know that I wish I was a Mom, know that all the Facebook statuses with their baby's birth info hurt me just a little. It's not that I don't want them to post those things. Because I surely will when I become a mother. There is one Facebook status that got to me, that I only saw once. "Without my kids, tomorrow wouldn't be worth waiting for and yesterday wouldn't be worth remembering." I realize that it's not intended to sting the way it did. But my first thought was "What am I living for, then?" I know that I'm living for the future, for the chance to finally be called "Mommy." I don't know how one could show the acknowledgement I'm looking for. Maybe by including "future moms" or even "angel moms" in their "Happy Mother's Day" status updates.

My husband asked me today if he should tell me "Happy Mother's Day" and I told him no, but that I appreciate him realizing that today is sensitive for me.

So, where do we... the childless, the TTC-ers, the Infertiles... fit into Mother's Day? Maybe we don't. Maybe there simply isn't a place for us today. Maybe we shouldn't expect other's to acknowledge our pain on this day.

As I type this, I almost feel guilty. Like I shouldn't be putting a damper on anyone else's Mother's Day. It's their day. They... all the Moms... deserve to be happy and celebrate today, guilt free. Because of that, I won't be posting this to my Facebook.

One positive thing I get from this day and this struggling for a baby is this: When I finally become a Mother, I will never take it for granted. I will celebrate Mother's Day with gratitude, knowing just how lucky I am. I will never be insensitive to those who are struggling to be called "Mom" because I will know where they are coming from. I will know the pain they feel, and I will acknowledge that pain. I'll post statuses about my baby, but I'll be careful to not hurt anyone in doing so. I belive that infertility makes us more compassionate, empathetic and understanding.

I'm not looking for sympathy, I feel like I need to make that clear. I am just taking advantage of this thing we call blogging, to get my thoughts out there. To shed some light on the dark side of Mother's Day.

In closing, I would like to wish all those lucky Moms out there a Happy Mother's Day.