Today is Mother's Day. And I thought last Mother's Day was hard. This year really could have been my first Mother's Day. I was pregnant, after all. I would have a 2 month old right now. I try not to dwell on it, try not to be negative and bitter. But maybe today there it's okay to be bitter.
It's hard because I feel like I want acknowledgement. I want my friends and my family to not tell me "happy Mother's Day," but to in some way show me that they know that it's hard for me, know that I wish I was a Mom, know that all the Facebook statuses with their baby's birth info hurt me just a little. It's not that I don't want them to post those things. Because I surely will when I become a mother. There is one Facebook status that got to me, that I only saw once. "Without my kids, tomorrow wouldn't be worth waiting for and yesterday wouldn't be worth remembering." I realize that it's not intended to sting the way it did. But my first thought was "What am I living for, then?" I know that I'm living for the future, for the chance to finally be called "Mommy." I don't know how one could show the acknowledgement I'm looking for. Maybe by including "future moms" or even "angel moms" in their "Happy Mother's Day" status updates.
My husband asked me today if he should tell me "Happy Mother's Day" and I told him no, but that I appreciate him realizing that today is sensitive for me.
So, where do we... the childless, the TTC-ers, the Infertiles... fit into Mother's Day? Maybe we don't. Maybe there simply isn't a place for us today. Maybe we shouldn't expect other's to acknowledge our pain on this day.
As I type this, I almost feel guilty. Like I shouldn't be putting a damper on anyone else's Mother's Day. It's their day. They... all the Moms... deserve to be happy and celebrate today, guilt free. Because of that, I won't be posting this to my Facebook.
One positive thing I get from this day and this struggling for a baby is this: When I finally become a Mother, I will never take it for granted. I will celebrate Mother's Day with gratitude, knowing just how lucky I am. I will never be insensitive to those who are struggling to be called "Mom" because I will know where they are coming from. I will know the pain they feel, and I will acknowledge that pain. I'll post statuses about my baby, but I'll be careful to not hurt anyone in doing so. I belive that infertility makes us more compassionate, empathetic and understanding.
I'm not looking for sympathy, I feel like I need to make that clear. I am just taking advantage of this thing we call blogging, to get my thoughts out there. To shed some light on the dark side of Mother's Day.
In closing, I would like to wish all those lucky Moms out there a Happy Mother's Day.