Wednesday, June 1, 2011

No More Bullshit!

That's something my nephew used to like to say, and as I type it I say it in little kid voice... more like "No Mo Booshit."

But I've decided with my blog, where my weight loss is concerned.. No more bullshit! You may notice that my goal on my ticker has jumped to 75lbs. You may also notice that my ticker has my BMI on there too. It is a little sad that my goal BMI is still in the overweight range. As I get closer, I may decide to shoot for a full 100lbs. But I'll decide on that later. It's been soooo long since I've been there (lik, high school) that I can't even picture what I'd look like. I can't imagine myself being skinny.

I'm also not gonna be beating around the weight bush. I started this journey in mid-April at 175lbs. That's the most I've ever weighed. This morning I weighed in at 257.25lbs. My goal is to weight 200lbs. I believe when I met Clint (5 1/2 years ago) I was about 210. When we got married I was about 250. When I stopped working is when I put on the rest of the weight, pretty much. Once I get down to close to 200 lbs, I may decide that I should get to 175 or 180. I can't imagine weighing any less than 175. And that's at the high end of healthy weight for my height. I can deal with that. But for now I would just love to be at 200 lbs. I think about how I looked back then, and of course at that time I wasn't happy with myself. In fact I have much more self confidence now than I ever did back then! But that's because I've grown comfortable with my body. It wasn't something that I had the drive to change, so I had to accept that that's how I was. I learned to accept my body and be happy with it. And Clint has never made me feel like he wasn't happy with how I looked. He has always encouraged me to lose weight and is supportive of my diet. But he's never made me feel bad about myself like so many husbands do. For that, I'm very lucky!

I have made a decision that has been in the back of my mind for weeks now, but I never wanted to admit to myself that that's the decision I wanted to make. I've decided that I don't want to start trying for a baby again until I'm at least 200lbs. Even if/when Dr. O gives me the go-ahead (which should happen before I get there!). I feel like if I get pregnant before I reach that weight goal, I won't be able to get back on the ball after the baby comes. It will only be harder with a baby in the house. Who is gonna babysit so I can go to the gym every day? Its hard for me to admit that I'm putting myself first. I feel like it's the right thing to do though. As much as I hate to think that it will be so. long. before I get to hold my own baby in my arms, even though I'm tearing up as I type this because it's making it seem more real, I beleve in my heart that it's the right thing to do. We've still got some good baby making years ahead of us. I need to do this now. And the healthier I am, the healthier my pregnancy will be, and the healthier my child will be. And isn't that what matters most?

I can't predict how long it will take for me to reach my 75lb goal. At this rate, I'm losing about 10 a month. So if I keep it up at this rate, maybe by Christmas? But if I plateau (and surely I will eventually), who knows how long it will be. Could be next summer. I hope it's at least by spring. That would be a year from when I started.

I do have a good feeling about it. I feel like once I get down to a healthier weight, it will be easier to convieve, and hopefully less likely to miscarry. If we have to take fertility drugs again, that's fine. Of course my big fear is wasted time. What if I'm being selfish, and "wasting" all this time trying to lose weight. Every month we don't try is one less fertile month. It's one less chance at conception. What if when we start trying again, we don't get pregnant after a few months, and we find out that there's a bigger problem? Something that we could have been working on while I was losing weight? That thought terrifies me. Then we would have to wait even LONGER. We may be getting thinner, but we're not getting any younger! What if we find out that we can't have kids at all and now they won't let us adopt because we are too old? There are so many fears that go along with this. But I have to have faith in my decision. I have to trust that this is the right thing to do. And I do. I just hope I don't get proven wrong.

So enough of that. Last time I posted, I expressed that I was afraid I didn't lose any weight over the long, birthday/holiday/MIL in town weekend. Well, I did! 1.5 lbs! So yay! And today at the gym, I did a 40 minute workout (instead of my normal 25-30) and had a higher resistance, burned 480 calories. Hopefully I can keep up with that kind of workout at least this week to make up for last week a little. :)

Well its time for me to end this super long post. Time to get scrappy! :)

1 comment:

  1. Go you! I am so happy for you and all the choices you are making for your self. I am fully confident that you will be able to do it! You will make your goal of 75 lbs and probably even more!!