On The Road Again...

It's time to pack up & move again! We've actually stayed in this house longer than any other we've live in together- a year & 4 months!! Woot woot!

Clint got a job in Bagdad, AZ which is where both his sisters live, where his parents used to live, and where he himself lived for a while. In fact he lived there when we first got together. There's a lot of positives and a few negatives about this move!
Let's start with the bad- he'll be making less money, it's a small tiny gossipy town, it's an hour & a half or so from a Wal Mart or any other shopping.
But the positives outweigh that by far- We get company housing (cheap!), better benefits and he has more opportunity for advancement. The town has a free gym, pool & golf course. We'll be close to his sisters (which I thought about putting on the other list LOL) which means no travling for Christmas or kids' birthdays which is awesome! The nearest town for shopping is Prescott which means I'll have a good excuse to go there and see my friends. If Clint & I ever want to go out of town without Zoey, one of his sisters will be able to check in on her. And of course his younger sister Robin (I have more in common with her) & I will be able to get together often for scrapbooking and hopefully the gym, and definitely trips to Prescott!
So mostly it is a really good thing! Of course it will be an adjustment but it is for the best!
Unfortunately this means I've gotta pack. Waaaah! No fun no fun! And I've gotta start soon. I wanna be ready in case we get our house soon (could take a while, but I'm hoping we'll get lucky). Clint leaves Sunday evening so if I don't start before then, I'll start Monday and hopefully get a whole bunch done by that weekend!

In other news, we had a happy Thanksgiving! We went to Safford to visit the in-laws and had a nice time! We played Dominoes & Rummy a few times which if you know me you know I love palying games! His Grandma (Memop) and I taught Holly how to play Go Fish & Memory, which was fun because she's old enough now to understand rules & all that. Of course that was all she wanted to do after we got her started! lol.
We slept out in the 5th wheel and the second night the propane ran out so it was freezing and I got a cold! Now it looks like I've given it to Clint... whoopsie! I guess we shoudn't have been sleeping together but there were limited options!

Well I guess that's all! I've still been scrapbooking a lot, in fact I just won a scrapbooking contest online. It wasn't for doing awesome pages or anything. It was who could scrap & post on the forum the most. And well I have a lot of time on my hands! So I look forward to seeing what the prize is! It doesn't matter though, it was a fun competition (and a tight one!) and I'm glad I participated and got to know those girls better! =D During the contest, I started making cards! You can see some of them in my scrapblog! :)
I don't expect to update again until after the move! But, who knows... :)

Stay Here

I recently downloaded Lee DeWyze's album and I am loving it!! I just wanted to share part of this song, "Stay Here."

Lies were told and tears were shed
But it ain't over for us yet
Just get that outta your head
Well I know we had our disconnections
To save us both from going different directions
Give me a minute
Give me a chance to say

I won't let you leave
I know right now you're mad but you will see
Why is it so hard for you to believe
Oh believe me
Every little thing is gonna be okay my dear
As long as you stay here

I hear that and I think about all the times Clint & I broke up early on in our relationship. I know that if one of us had asked the other to stay, we wouldn't have broken up.

However I also know that we needed all those break ups to get us to where we are. But still..

Speak Now

One of the first things I did this morning is download the new Taylor Swift album, Speak Now! Woot woot! I love Taylor, even though I'm a little older than her target audience. Whatev! I think she's awesome, and a good role model in a world full of Kesha's! Favorite song right now is Better Than Revenge. But that is likely to change over the next couple days.

I wanted to post the following link, moreso to make it easier for me to reference it in the future than because I think anyone will care. LOL. It's her songs decoded. I admit when I buy a Taylor album I decode the "hidden" messages in her lyrics (she capitolizes random letters for each song to spell out something, usually a hint to what/who the song is about). But this pro blogger did it for me and has the info needed to really figure out who the songs are about. So yay.

Here's the link.

Mom's Comin' To Town!

Yay! My mom is coming to visit me Nov 7-11! It's very soon! I'm so excited! She finally gets to meet my Zoey! :D I don't know what we'll do while she's here, but it will be great to see her! Yay!

Also, my brother just played a show in Branson and it sounds like he rocked it! He called me this morning and he & his girlfriend had just done a zip line! Jealous! You see those on reality shows and they look so fun!

Other then that, nothing new! Still been spending lots of time scrapbooking!

Follow Me

I recently started a scrapbooking blog and need some followers! :D Please come check it out! You can find it here! I've already posted a bunch of pages and am about to post some more! I look forward to seeing some friendly following faces! :D

Oh no!

Last night I was leaning real close to the mirror (popping a pimple) and I noticed.... above my lip.... a hair! A long whisker like hair!! AHHH! I'm 26 I can't be worrying about this kind of yuckiness already! I think it goes without saying I plucked it right away! :(

Scrapbooking with a side of Rambling

I haven't blogged in a while because I just haven't had anything to blog about! No excitement, no drama, no nothin'! Which is fine.. just doesn't make for a very interesting blog entry. And the only reason I'm doing this now is because I am waiting for Clint to go to bed so I can watch Britney's Glee episode that I DVRed tonight and am sooo looking forward to! So much, in fact, that while I wait I am listening to Britney songs on iTunes. :D

So I think I'll post some scrapbook pages. Maybe I should just start a scrapbooking blog. Maybe I will. But it's not like I do anything too amazing or inspiring. Anyway. The pages I'm posting now are pages I did a few months back and they've been waiting in Photobucket to be shared. Well I figured it's about time. They're from my "going backwards" album starting in 2007.

So here I go...

You should keep in mind, I didn't want to re-print all these old pictures. Some of them I don't even have on CDs anywhere. So I pretty much had to work with what I had. Alot of times that meant using odd shaped & sized photos with the occasional zig zag edge. It created a challenge, and it didn't always turn out brilliantly.

This is when Mom & I met Chris (brother) and Nicole (neice) in Vegas! Yeah I don't know why I decided to post this one, it's not that good. LOL

At the end of 2006 I went to visit my brother & family in Arkansas. He's in a band, he sings and he's awesome.

It was also the first time I got to meet my neice! 11 months old at the time.

My husbands family reunion. There were 2 more pages of this but...

His neice Holly's 2nd Birthday! (See what I mean about the random sizes and zig zag edges)

This is the day my friend graduated college!

Heh. You can't read that. It says "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang." Jenn & I went shooting with our boyfriends. It was fun. :) The other picture is when I moved in with Jenn & Melissa. I didn't have enough pix of either event so I combined.

The top 3 are Thanksgiving with my family, in Oregon. The bottom strip is my work Christmas party.

My friend Jessica's newborn (who is 5 now!) I liked the safety pins (cricut).

My 21st Birthday! The card is from everyone at work and it cracks me up every time I read it! The pictures are of my after work drinks with co-workers. There are party pix too but I guess I didn't want to share that page.

This is Jessica's 21st birthday. I was clever here and used a balloon to cover a face of someone we don't like anymore. :)

A fun Halloween party! :D

Jessica's going away party (she came back pretty quick, lol)

My Super Exciting Life!

Netflix Instant Watch is the best! I've been watching Buffy & Angel for months. The whole series', in the order that they aired (thank you Wikipedia). Lame huh? But I never saw the last season of Buffy and that last 2 of Angel and I didn't start watching Buffy till 2nd or 3rd season. So it's fun. And it's totally weird watching it so condensed! I've only got 5 episodes left of Buffy and a season plus 5 left of Angel. It seems like it's taken me forever to get through the series'! I'm hoping to finish in the next two weeks... Because Fox premiere week is coming up and I'll have plenty of shows to watch! Speaking of... I'm super excited about Glee and Bones! And Parenthood. And Ellen! Because JT is gonna be on her premiere! Hurray!

Wow... I must sound boring! Hey, at least I'm happy! :D

In a week from today my girls are coming to see me! We're gonna scrapbook and have girly fun. It'll be good to have them all here instead of me there for a change! Although we do need to make a trip to Prescott soon. I need to go to Michaels and Clint needs work boots!

Really I just wanted to blog because I haven't been blogging much... Obviously, because I don't have much to say! LOL

Okay dinner time now!

Must've Been..

First time I've shed a tear in a while....

"It must've been love
But it's all over now
It must've been good
But I lost it somehow
....
It was all that I wanted
Now I'm living without
It must've been love
But it's all over now"

I thought I was done! I'm such a sap! I know she's talking about a man.. but still.

(Song : "It Must've Been Love" by Roxette from the Pretty Woman soundtrack)

Not 10 minutes after I posted the above post, Michael Buble's "Haven't Met You Yet" comes on. While we were trying, someone on TMP pointed out that this song could easily be about wanting a baby... fave parts in bold.

"I'm Not Surprised
Not Everything Lasts
I've Broken My Heart So Many Times
I Stopped Keepin Track.
Talk Myself In
I Talk Myself Out
I Get All Worked Up
Then I Let Myself Down.

I Tried So Very Hard Not To Lose It
I Came Up With A Million Excuses
I Thought I Thought Of Every Possibility

And I Now Someday That It'll All Turn Out
You'll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid That I'll Give So Much More Than I Get
I Just Haven't Met You Yet

I Might Have To Wait
I'll Never Give Up
I Guess It's Half Timing
And The Other Half's Luck
Wherever You Are
Whenever It's Right
You Come Out Of Nowhere And Into My Life

And I Know That We Can Be So Amazing
And Baby Your Love Is Gonna Change Me
And Now I Can See Every Possibility

And Somehow I Know That Will All Turn Out
And You'll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid I'll Give So Much More Than I Get
I Just Haven't Met You Yet

They Say All's Fair
And In Love And War
But I Won't Need To Fight It
We'll Get It Right And We'll Be United

And I Know That We Can Be So Amazing
And Being In Your Life Is Gonna Change Me
And Now I Can See Every Single Possibility"

Job?

I'm thinking about getting a part time job. We are surviving just fine on just Clint's income, but it couldn't hurt to have a little more, and would help us get some things paid off and get some money put away. Maybe help us get ourselves a new TV for Christmas. LOL. So I applied online at PetCo. I don't want anything serious. Just a little more income and mostly some socialization! I think it would be good for me! There's also a PetSmart about to open up in a few months and I'll apply there too. I'm looking at pet stores because... well I'm a pet person! And it'd be fun to have the discount, and I'd get to be around dogs all day, and I'd learn more about pet care... so its like a win-win-win-win situation for us. So we'll see! I may look at other places too. At this point, me having a job isn't a necessity, so I'm not too worried about it. I'm not sure where else I'd look... Maybe Hastings or Ross... Too bad there's not a craft store here!
The only thing is if I get a job, I will NOT work evenings. I think I'll tell them I'll work till 6. And that's not to say I'll never stay late when needed, but I don't want it to be a normal thing. That's a big part of why I left Wal Mart. I need to be home for dinner every night! I'll work weekends, I'll probably just ask for Mondays off since Clint is off Mondays, so we can have a day off together. And what's nice is I won't have to take it too seriously. Yeah, I think it'll be good for me to go back to work. If someone wants to hire me.
Okay I'll shut it now. Lates!

Follow Up

Well I was expecting a pelvic exam but didn't get one. I guess it wasn't necessary? Not that I'm complaining, I wasn't looking forward to it! lol. We just talked. All my blood work came back good and he said there's no problems with me. I asked if the LEEP (procedure where they remove bad cells from the cervix) I'd had a few years ago had anything to do with it, but he said that my cervix is in good shape and healed well. I can expect the random spotting to continue for another week & a half. Ick. And I can expect my period to come in about 3 weeks. I know everyone was wanting to know that! LOL. He said that the next time around, I will be monitored more closely. He'll do quantitive HCG tests which make sure my hormones are doing what they're supposed to- doubling every 48 hours. And at about 8 weeks I'll get an ultrasound! Sooooo excited about that! Although I'm hoping he'll do it at 9 weeks instead since we lost this one at 8 1/2. He confused me a little: He said it's up to us when we start trying again, but after 2 months there's not an increased risk for miscarriage. So does that mean if we get pregnant right away there's a higher risk? I think we'll at least wait the 2 months, if not more. Still gotta talk to Clint about it! But Dr. L did say that when I'm ready, he'll put me back on Clomid. Yay to that! So all in all I'm feeling pretty good about the next time around. The reason for this miscarriage as far as anyone can tell is that there was just a missing building block, as he put it. It happens in many pregnancies and unfortunately it just wasn't a viable pregnancy. All we can do is hope (and believe!) that next time, we won't be missing any building blocks. We'll be watched more closely so we'll have more info right off the bat. I'm feeling confident that we'll still have a 2011 baby!

Like I said, I'm not totally sure when we're gonna start trying again, but I can say with certainty that I will NOT be posting it on here or on Facebook. Same goes for when we get that positve. I won't be announcing it for a while, just so you know. And don't ask because either 1)I won't be pregnant and it'll make me sad that you asked, or 2)I will be pregnant and will lie about it. LOL

Of course we'll definitely tell moms and my sisters-in-law. Not sure who else.

Okay I think I'm done running my mouth...... Later Taters!

Productive Day.

Today was the first day I've felt like I've got anything done in a long time! I guess I really didn't even do that much. LOL. I cleaned the kitchen, floors included. Did the laundry. But my biggest accomplishment was in my office! While I was in the hospital, my mother-in-law did a lot of work in there. She went through all the crap I had everywhere and got it more organized. So today I went through the stacks of papers she piled so neatly for me. I've always been really about about filing things. So that's what I did! I filed! And filed and filed and filed. I've got everything sorted out since we moved to Kingman over a year ago! I'm proud of me!

I also ate a whole bunch of M&Ms. My sweet husband bought me one of those great big bags from Sam's on Friday.

But while filing I came across a couple things. The first thing was the info for the childbirth classes I had signed up for. I immediately called and cancelled, then tossed it away. But... I didn't cry!! The other thing I found was the Christmas letter from my sister-in-law. She was pregnant at the time and it made me realize that I may not get to talk about my pregnancy in my Christmas letter this year. I was so looking forward to that! But! There's still time! I still don't know when we're gonna start trying again, but it'll be before the end of the year and who knows? Maybe we'll get lucky this time and get pregnant right away! It could happen! But now I'm not sure if I should mention the miscarriage in my family letter this year. You know it took me a while to be able to say "miscarriage." I'm doing good.

I've been updating a lot lately! My next update will be after my appt Friday. Unless I decide to blog about the joy of having TV again, which gets hooked up tomorrow! We had been using my MILs extra reciever (sneaky, sneaky) but it was time we got our own thing going on! We've only been without TV about a week.. not a big deal! It just means more time to listen to music!

Okay, I'm ending this babble-ness now!

Thoughts.

I'm realizing that one of the (many) sucky things about this new situation is that it's all a distant dream again. In the year that we were trying, I'd always think about things like baby showers and going into labor and just how everything will work out. But there was no time frame on it. It was all a "someday" kinda thing. Then I got pregnant and finally.. finally! There was a time frame on all those thoughts. I'd have my baby shower in January or February. My mom would try to plan a trip for when I expect to go into labor, but would fly out when it was time no matter what. In October we'd find out the sex and could pick a name and a nursery theme. I was hoping to start furniture shopping in the next couple months. It was all attainable. And thinking about it was the right thing... the normal thing... to do. And now? It's all on the back burner again. It's all that distant "someday" dream that I can't put any time frame on. Will it be a summer baby? A winter baby? I'm back to not being able to plan around the baby, whereas a week ago I was able to plan around the baby, and it was nice to be able to do that.

My stomach isn't sore from the d&c anymore, which is nice! The first day or two I wasn't bleeding or cramping much at all, but the past couple days I've had serious cramps in the morning, along with more bleeding than I'd like. It's not a ton or anything, but still annoying and kinda depressing. I was supposed to be done with that for a while, ya know? Sorry for the TMI there. I've still got all the support in the world. And some of my girls are planning to visit in a couple weeks for a scrapbooking day, which will be fun! And much needed, because I haven't scrapped in a while!

My follow up appointment is Friday morning. I'm looking forward to that. I don't like not having a game plan right now. We're just kinda in limbo. Hopefully on Friday the Dr. L will tell me when we can start trying again (not that we'll start trying just because we "can"... we'll start when we're ready), and hopefully he'll tell me that I'm healing well and my cervix and uterus are in good condition. And hopefully he'll also tell me that next time around I'll be considered high risk and will get monitored more closely. I would love an early ultrasound and twice a month appointments. I don't know if that's realistic, but that's what I'll have to find out.

I've been staying away from TMP. It's weird being there because I don't know where to go... The only place I'd fit in is in "pregnancy loss support" or "waiting to TTC" but neither of those sound too appealing at the moment. I'd want to check in on the girls in my due date club, so for now I'm just staying away till I have some kind of game plan again.

Well I didn't intend for this to be so long. Thanks for reading! :)

Loss

I miscarried.

I'm gonna tell the whole story. Partly for my friends & family, so that they know what exactly is going on. Partly for myself, to kind of document everything while it's still so fresh on my mind. It won't be easy, it won't be pretty. I'm sure there will be TMI at times. I apologize.

*At the end of the whole long story (its really really long, I'm realizing as I type it up), I'll include a summary. That way if you don't want to read through all the gory details, just skip ahead. It'll be in purple.

I should start by saying that for weeks I haven't felt like myself. I assumed it was prgnancy hormones. I was soooo sleepy. I had very little energy or motivation. And food was just unappealing to me. All this is common in the first trimester.

On August 11 (exactly one month after our first positive.), I started seeing some pink blood on the toilet paper. I called the OB office to let them know. First trimester bleeding is common- it happens in 50% of pregnancies. The nurse said that if it's enough that I go through a pad and I have period-like cramps that I should go to the ER. But at this point it was really light and no cramps. The light bleeding continued on and after a couple days I started cramping some. Still the blood was pink (good sign) and not too heavy so I figured I'd wait it out. On Monday the 16th the bleeding seemed to be heavier. The next day I noticed it was red. I was nervous. But didn't want to go to the ER... I don't know if it was optimism or fear. Clints parents were in town and we were having a good time. (I should say, Rhonda was a big help while here. Since I wasn't feeling quite myself, she did all kinds of house and yard work. I can't thank her enough.) On Tuesday at about 9PM I passed a decent sized clot. I had passed a tiny one a few hours earlier which worried me. This bigger one freaked me out. So I started crying in the bathroom, thinking I was losing the baby. I came out of the bathroom, and Rhonda was closest. She saw me crying, asked whats wrong, gave me a hug and grabbed the boys. We were hospital bound.

We got to the ER and there weren't many people in the waiting room- yay! We got signed in and some paperwork done, then into the exam room. I was in there for a while. Two young nurses came in to do my IV and blood work. They were kinda.. dumb! I mean they did their job just fine, but they knew I was pregnant and one of them had just had a baby so they went on to tell me how cute she was and yada yada. That's not something you tell someone who's in the hospital worried about the life of her unborn, ya know? I should have said something. But they were gone soon enough. They had it in my left arm. It wasn't too bad at first, but it got a little uncomfortable. But.. duh.. I've got a needle in my arm! lol. After a while the resident dr came in. He talked to me a bit. Told me there would be a pelvic exam and an ultrasound. He did the pelvic first (eventually) and told me that my cervix was slightly open (should be closed) and there was blood and mucus. At that time, he called it a "threatened miscarriage." Poor Clint was holding my hand through the exam. I know it was weird for him being in there with me while some strange man was poking around my nether regions. But I really needed him. And he did great.

It wasn't long after he left that the u/s lady came in to get me. She wouldn't let Clint or Rhonda (she was still there, Roger had gone back to our house) come into u/s with me. I wasn't okay with it until she told me that she doesn't say anything or show me anything, good or bad, while in there. So then I was okay with it.. if its rules its rules. Clint just wanted to be there for me, so he got a little upset about that. But it was okay, she was very nice, and thanked me for being so agreeable throughout. She had to do a vaginal u/s because I had just peed (stupid nurse told me it was okay to go!). I got rolled back into the exam room...

A little while later a different dr came in. I don't remember his name- he's the residents boss, he said, and he had the results of my u/s. He told me there was no heartbeat and that the baby had measured at 8 weeks, 4 days. I guess I should say that I was supposed to be 11 weeks, 2 days. So this was the worst part for me, to know that I was carrying a lifeless baby for almost 3 weeks. I checked the calendar and it shows that we lost the baby on August 1, based on that measurement. I cried & cried & cried as the dr. was explaining everything to me, telling me how common miscarriages are and that in cases like mine it's not because of anything I did or didn't do. It's because it was never a viable fetus to begin with. Basically, it was doomed from the start. He was very kind and understanding. He said he'd call my OB, but thought that he would probably have me go home and pass the baby naturally. That thought absolutely terrified me. I can't imagine seeing clots every time I peed and knowing what it was. Too heartbreaking. So thankfully when he came back in after talkint to my OB, he said he (OB, Dr. L) wanted to do a D&C which is where they go in and clean your uterus out. Unfortunately this meant I had to stay overnight. I did not want to stay at that time. I remember I kept saying, tears streaming down my face "I don't wanna stay here." I was so scared. By this time it was about a quarter to midnight, I believe. I cried more at the thought of not being able to go home, and at first he didn't think Clint could stay with me and that freaked me out even more. I couldn't stay alone. Thank goodness they were able to let him stay. While waiting for them to get my room ready, I called my mom. It was late, but I figured she'd want to know. She was strong for me. I was a mess. Again, I have to say, Clint was great. He held me tight and just let me cry on him. I could see and feel the sadness in him, but he's such a man, he doesn't let it out.

It took a while for my room to get ready. They wheeled me up to the second floor, room 221. Rhonda left shortly after. The nurse went over all the info with us, and I did some paperwork. I had to laugh at some of the questions, and for the question "Have you had any abnormal bleeding?" I put "That's why I'm here." I know they're just basic forms but sheesh! They also asked what my depression level was. Ha! I was actually holding it together pretty well. I cried a couple times. But I was done bawling by the time we left the ER. Something I like about me- I have a sense of humor abuot things and I'm good about keeping things positive. Of course I'll cry sometimes, but if I let the tears take over where would I be? So I was all settled in my cozy lil' room with my hubby. I had medicine in my IV that was supposed to help sleep. At 2 something (time was kind of a blur), I got up to pee. I had to pull the IV stand thingie with me of course. I bent my arm and it made the IV beep. The nurse came in. Emily. It seems like there was a clot in the IV and the fluids weren't going through. She tried to force it and it wouldn't go and it huuuurt! So this meant they had to find a new spot for the IV. Easier said than done with my tiny little veins. Emily couldn't find any that she felt comfortable with. So she got a little Mexican woman, I wanna say her name was Mary Grace? Something with two names anyway. She poked around trying to get one... that was painful. She wiggled the needle around in there, and it was no good (got a nice bruise there) then she tried my hand, but that didn't work either. Poor lady she felt so bad. So they went and got a nurse from the ER or ICU.. I'm not sure. She had to poke me twice, but did great. And once that one was in it was more comfortable then the first one ever was. The only problem was that it had to be on my right arm which made it hard to do things. Since I'm right handed, and couldn't bend my arm very much. Bummer. But oh well. It wasn't long after that till I was asleep. Clint too.

I started waking up much earlier than I'd hoped- at 7ish. I kept falling back asleep for quite a while. My nurse for the day was Val. We didn't have a set schedule at that time. I was hoping we would... I couldn't eat or drink till surgery so I was hoping it would be pretty early. It wasn't early, but at least it was before noon. They suggested I shower first to avoid a sponge bath. So I did. It was an interesting experience with my IV arm wrapped up and even more unbendable, lol. I think they rolled me down at about 11:30 or so. First they took me to... I don't know what to call it... like OR waiting area. With curtains around all the beds, ya know. The nurses asked me about allergies and all that jazz, took my vitals. Dr. L came in and talked to us for like a split second. He had come up to the room earlier and gone over the procedure with us. A D&C is where they vacuum everything out. That breaks my heart a little because that's how they do abortions. Obviously this wasn't an abortion, but its just not a pleasant thought. So they rolled me to the OR and Clint took off to the waiting room.

Riding around a hospital in a gurney feels like you're in a movie. I guess I should mention this was my first hospital stay, my first IV, my first anesthesia. So it was all new to me. So the OR was freezing (more sterile) and there were quite a few people in there that I didn't recognize. I did see Dr. L, though I don't think he said anything to me. They moved me to another bed. This all happened so fast, it was kinda scary. They strapped my arms down and held an oxygen mask over my face and told me to take deep breaths. This must be when they put the anesthesia in my IV drip. It wasn't long till I was out. All I remember about the OR is.. well what I just said. But also looking up (cuz I was laying on my back) and seeing all kinds of shiny metal things and lights. Its not the most comfortable, welcoming place. But as far as I new I was in there for about 2 minutes.

Apparently while I was knocked out Clint wasn't getting the info he needed. He asked if I was out of surgery and they didn't know... like they had no record of me having surgery. They said I must be back in our room. I wasn't. He was not a happy camper. I guess they did eventually locate me (duh). Rhonda was there too, and I guess she raised some hell with the nurses for me.

Waking up from anesthesia is so bizarre. I woke up in a strange place... I guess it was back to the room I was in before the OR room. I could tell there was someone in there with me. I kept asking for water, she gave me ice chips. I'd pass right back out, just to wake up and do it all over again. I asked her what time it is, it was about 1:30. I don't know how much time passed between each time I woke up. I guess my vitals were good. I was hooked up to a blood pressure machine that took my blood pressure every so often, and finger monitor which I guess is for oxygen. And I had an oxygen tube in my nose. My throat hurt from the breathing tube they'd had in while in surgery. I got to go back to our room. Back to that bed. They hooked me up to the BP machine and all that again. Or maybe they never unhooked it? I don't remember. And they gave me a Demerol shot. Clint's mom left shortly after I got back to the rom. I was in and out for probably an hour after I got back to the room. My vitals were looking good, they let me take the nose tube out. It seems like it was 3ish when they brought me up a tray of liquids- 2 Jellos, beef broth, yummy orange flavored ice, grape juice. And of course by this time I could have water. I finished it all off! Clint helped feed me at first because I was still pretty loopy. I was able to hold it all down so they brought me some crackers a little while later. I ate some of those and at 5 dinner came. It was pork roast with potatoes & gravy, corn bread, broccoli, carrot cake and tea. I ate most of it. Not a lot of broccoli (without cheese?! lol). It wasn't delicious but it wasn't bad. Clint took a little nap. At 6ish they did my last vitals and started the discharge process. Yay for going home!

Zoey was definitely happy to see us! :) Rhonda made chicken noodle soup & grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner. We had cheesecake for dessert. Num num. We called it a night early, at about 9:30. I have a pill I have to take every 4 hours. I woke up at one to take it and couldn't get back to sleep. So I came to the living room thinking I'd be able to recline and fall asleep, but I decided to blog.

So to sum it up for those who didn't have time to read my novel:
I'd been bleeding for almost a week. And on the 17th the bleeding was much worse and I passed a clot. We went to the ER a little after 9PM. They did a pelvic exam and an ultrasound. The baby had no heartbeat and only measured at 8 weeks 4 days. Which means that I lost the baby almost 3 weeks before we found out, which is heartbreaking to think of. They decided to admit me to the hospital (Clint was able to stay with me) and the next day around noon my OB came and did a d & c which is where they "clean out" your uterus. I was totally knocked out for the procedure. After I woke up they took me back to our room and gave me a shot of Demerol so I was loopy and in & out of consciousness for a while. They let me eat some liquids and since I kept that down, they let me eat dinner at 5. I was discharged around 6.
If you read the short version, you should read some of the green too. It's the "how I'm feeling" now part. Here, I'll put a purple * by the ones you should read. Sound good? Good.

I need to take a paragraph to talk about how great my husband was through all this. I know a lot of times it was uncomfortable and awkward for him, and I know he hated to see me so emotional and defeated and in pain. But he was amazing. He was always there to hold my hand when I needed it. He helped me eat my liquids. He helped me to and from the bathroom when I was feeling week and/or dizzy. He was absolutely my rock and I don't know what I would have done without him.

*So how am I feeling? Physically, I feel worlds better. I already feel like I've got more energy and am getting back to normal. I don't think it was the pregnancy that has been making me feel so icky, I think it was that it was an unhealthy pregnancy. I have a little abdominal pain, but nothing serious. And a sore throat. Emotionally, I hate that I lost the baby. I hate to be glad that it's out of me and I can feel like myself again. I hate that I told everyone in the world and I know it will be a while before everyone knows that we lost it and they'll ask about it, and I'll have to tell them. Telling people is the funnest part about getting pregnant (well, other than the nookie), so it makes it even worse having to take it back.

When we first found out we were pregnant, I was so excited, but also nervous. In the back of my mind I had a bad feeling about it. But I pushed that feeling aside. I had no reason to believe I would miscarry. I told myself it wasn't intuition, it was paranoia. Up until last week, I was feeling really good about the pregnancy. I was nearing the end of the first trimester. Since most miscarriages happen in the first trimester, the second trimester seems like a save haven. A couple nights before the bleeding started, I had a dream that I'd miscarried. And I woke up relieved and feeling good. Because I was feeling so good about the pregnancy. I knew it was just a dream and our baby was fine. Boy was I wrong.

It will be a healing process, and it will be a while before we start trying again. Not sure how long. We'll have to see what my dr says and see how we feel about things. Part of me is afraid to start trying again, while the other part of me wants to jump back in quick. The hardest thing for me is all the plans we made. Just pans for having a baby by summer time. Plans for baby's first Christmas in 2011. Plans for a Jan or Feb baby shower. Just... plans. And now? No plans. No idea what to expect or what to think or what to do. I know that will come with time but right now its just hard. I haven't cried nearly as much as I expected to. I did most of it in the ER. I had a few sad moments in the hospital, just when my mind wandered. And some tears when we were waiting to go to the OR and as much as I knew we had to get the baby out of me, I also knew that that made it so final. I cried when I saw all the hearts posted on my Facebook from those friends & family I've already told, and the lovely girls from TMP.

*I consider myself an eternal optimist... There are a few bright sides to this dark situation. Timing coulnd't have been better. Clint is on vacation and his parents were in town. His mom was such a help through this, and I'm sure it helped him to have her here. Not to mention, she cleaned the crap out of my house while I was in the hospital. Clint's on vacation because Robin is in the state and we were supposed to be going to Bagdad. (I think we may go, just for a night or two. If I feel up to it). If he wasn't on vacation, I'd be stressing out about him missing work and losing that money. Also I lost about 5lbs in the short time I was pregnant so I'll try to keep it up and hopefully knock off some more pounds before we start trying again. It also gives us that extra time to get things in order. Clint's hoping he'll be able to get a job in Bagdad. Especially now because he was so unimpressed with the Kingman hospital or my doctor (he gets riled up, I'm more passive). So we'll see what happens. The one thing I can say for sure is that Clint & I will be parents someday. We'll get through this and we'll be even stronger as a couple and we'll get to achieve this dream.

And now, I should try to nap. I started this at 2AM and its now 6AM. I hope it doesn't take you as long to read it as it did to write it, lol.

Worry.

It's really hard not to worry about the baby. Even if there's nothing specific causing the worry. I'm constantly worrying. I was talking to my brother today and realized why I'm so worried. It's because at this early stage, my doctors appointments are a month a part, and in the meantime there's nothing telling me that the baby is okay. It's too early to feel movement, so I don't know what's going on in there. Once you're used to the baby kicking and moving all the time, you notice if it doesn't move for a long time, and you know to be worried. At this point the only sign I could have that something is wrong is bleeding or cramping. Both of which occur often in pregnancies with no complication. So if I have those signs, how do I know when it's severe enough to head to the ER? When it's too late? All I can do is hope & believe that Baby Jolly is okay and that we were meant to have this baby and nothing with ruin that for us! I just gotta have faith. It's just hard sometimes. I told Clint last night that I wish I had a live-in doctor that could check me out every day to ease my mind! But.. that'd be awfully expensive, huh? Oh well.


Wish me luck at my next appt on the 25th (unless I can get it moved up). Clint's gonna have to come with me. I'm too nervous to go alone.

First OB Appointment

My appointment today went well! It was pretty quick & painless... I won't get into the gory details! Dr. L says everything looks good and there are no concerns! Yahoooo! My hCG number skyrocketed from 178 to 2500! So that's really good news! It was such a relief. The whole appointment was a relief! He said I measure at about 7 weeks and gave me a due date of March 6. Now... I'm not buying it! lol. I still don't feel like I'm quite that far along for some reason. But I'll go with it for now. My next appointment is on August 25. That will just be a normal appointment and that's when we'll schedule my first ultrasound!! Which will be done at 12 or 13 weeks. Sooooo excited to see my baby and hear the heartbeat!!!

That's all for now. I'm pretty happy!! :)

Just Me Talkin'...

I've been a slacker with the blogging! Not that anyone reads it anyway. Okay one or two people read. How would I go about getting more readers anyway?

My SIL Robin & her 2 little ones... Ellie & Garrett... are gonna be here on Sunday or Monday! I'm sooo excited to see them! They're gonna stay at our place for a few nights and on the 29th I'm going with them to Safford for about a week. My other SIL Kallie & her not-so-little ones... Holly & Jace... will be there too. I'm catching a ride back with Kallie as Robin has lots of people to visit! Then I think on the 16th or so we'll all be in Bagdad (Arizona, not overseas) at Kallie's for about a week. So the next month or so will be quite busy! Busy is good though... I think.

I have my first OB appointment tomorrow and I can. not. wait.!!! It's really evil for them to make pregnant women wait so long for an appointment. I need some reassurance! I had a little scare the other day but I think everything is okay. My hCG levels weren't as high as they should be but it most likely just means that I'm not as far along as my last period suggest.. which actually makes a lot of sense! It took me too long to get a positive.. but if we concieved later, it all adds up. So I'm sure that's all it is. I got another blood draw though and I'll get to hear all about it tomorrow. Can't. wait.!!

So far my pregnancy is going well. No severe symptoms. I've been super lazy lately. Today was the first day I got very much done. Yahoo! Saturday I plan to get lots done too! Gotta get ready for Robby! I won't get anything done Sunday because that's Clint's day off. It just won't happen.

I suppose I've nothing left to babble about. I'm sure I'll update after my appointment tomorrow!

Expecting.

Finally!! After a year of trying, we are expecting!!

Now I feel kinda silly for that super-long post about trying. Especially because as I was posting that, I already had a little fertilized egg making its way to my uterus.

So here's how that cycle went:

I was really positive about it at the beginning for two reasons. 1) I ovulated the previous cycle. 2) Several months ago I got a Cheri22 reading. She is like an online psychic and she predicts when you're gonna get pregnant. She related me to July (meaning I would concieve, find out, or give birth in July) (and she predicts a girl). But as the cycle went on, I never got a positive ovulation test. Grr! But we still did the baby dance on a regular basis around the time I expected to ovulate.

On June 28 I had a little spotting. I thought I was maybe about to get my period early, or it was implantation bleeding. I tested in the next day or two, and saw an ugly negative! But I was really feeling pregnant. So a few days later I took another (July 3). Still negative. At that point I figured it wasn't likely that I was pregnant. I was discouraged and bummed. I still hadn't started my period 4 or 5 days later so I tested again. AGAIN, a negative! So really I did not think this was our month. Throughout this time, I'd had some period-like cramping, but still no flow.

Sunday July 11 we were going camping with some friends. I wanted to be sure it was okay to drink and there it was! A beautiful faint pink line!! Clint was in the kitchen getting things ready and I was just waking up. When I saw the positive I freaked out (in the best way). I didn't know what to do! Clint was so focused on getting headed to the lake. But obviously I had to tell him! So I went into the kitchen with the test and told him, with tears in my eyes, "I don't think I'll be drinking this weekend!" and wrapped my arms around his neck and started crying and laughing at the same time. It was so cool. Two days later I tested again with 2 tests and this is what I saw:

It really doesn't get any clearer than that! Definitely pregnant! It was so exciting! We had called our moms from the lake, and his sisters when we got back. Once we got this further confirmation, I told my brother, dad and best friends. Today I finally put it on Facebook. It's official- Janessa's knocked up!

Tuesday I called my doctors office (as soon as they opened) to set up an appointment. Today I had OB Orientation. It was a lot of paperwork, followed by a powerpoint presentation with loads of information about the doctors, the hospital, what to expect, do's & don'ts and more. Then it was time to see the nurse. I peed in a cup (I'm an expert at that after a year of TTC), got weight, blood pressure taken, she asked a few questions and that's about it. She gave me a lab req for blood work. I went to the lab, got my blood drawn (4 vials!) and came home!

My appointment with the OB is a week from tomorrow. I'm soooo looking forward to it! I don't know why... I'll be poked & prodded. But he'll be able to tell me that indeed there's a baby in there! And that will be comforting to hear!

Based on my last period, I'm estimated at 6 weeks & 1 day along. Due March 9th. That's likely to change once I see the doctor. I'm not really sure.

So far I don't have a lot of symptoms, but here's what I do have: Frequent mild cramping, leg cramps, sleepiness, hunger, thirsty, and I've only had a couple mild waves of nausea. No pukey pukey yet.

This is so much fun. I'm happy, Clint's happy and I kinda think Zoey knows. Life is good!

Marley & Me

Last night I finished reading the book for the second time. It's really a wonderful, funny, heartwarming story. It makes me think about Zoey, and how she's our Marley. Granted, she's 90 lbs lighter. But John & Jenny adopted Marley early in their marriage. Marley was there when they brought their babies home and through all the transitional times of their lives.

In the final chapter of the book, he talks about the farewell article he wrote for The Philidelphia Inquirer in honor of Marley. I did a little googling, and found that article. I'm going to share it now.


Saying Farewell to a Faithful Pal
John Grogan

In the gray of dawn, I found the shovel in the garage and walked down the hill to where the lawn meets the woods. There, beneath a wild cherry tree, I began to dig.The earth was loose and blessedly unfrozen, and the work went fast. It was odd being out in the backyard without Marley, the Labrador retriever who for 13 years made it his business to be tight by my side for every excursion out the door, whether to pick a tomato, pull a weed, or fetch the mail. And now here I was alone, digging him this hole.

“There will never be another dog like Marley,” my father said when I told him the news, that I finally had to put the old guy down. It was as close to a compliment as our pet ever received.

No one ever called him a great dog — or even a good dog. He was as wild as a banshee and as strong as a bull. He crashed joyously through life with a gusto most often associated with natural disasters.

He’s the only dog I’ve ever known to get expelled from obedience school.

Marley was a chewer of couches, a slasher of screens, a slinger of drool, a tipper of trash cans. He was so big he could eat off the kitchen table with all four paws planted on the floor — and did so whenever we weren’t looking.

Marley shredded more mattresses and dug through more drywall than I care to remember, almost always out of sheer terror brought on by his mortal enemy, thunder.

Cute but dumb.

He was a majestic animal, nearly 100 pounds of quivering muscle wrapped in a luxurious fur coat the color of straw. As for brains, let me just say he chased his tail till the day he died, apparently convinced he was on the verge of a major canine breakthrough.

That tail could clear a coffee table in one swipe. We lost track of the things he swallowed, including my wife’s gold necklace, which we eventually recovered, shinier than ever. We took him with us once to a chi-chi outdoor caf and tied him to the heavy wrought-iron table. Big mistake. Marley spotted a cute poodle and off he bounded, table in tow.

But his heart was pure.

When I brought my wife home from the doctor after our first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage, that wild beast gently rested his blocky head in her lap and just whimpered. And when babies finally arrived, he somehow understood they were something special and let them climb all over him, tugging his ears and pulling out little fistfuls of fur. One day when a stranger tried to hold one of the children, our jolly giant showed a ferocity we never imagined was inside him.

As the years passed, Marley mellowed, and sleeping became his favorite pastime. By the end, his hearing was shot, his teeth were gone, his hips so riddled with arthritis he barely could stand. Despite the infirmities, he greeted each day with the mischievous glee that was his hallmark. Just days before his death, I caught him with his head stuck in the garbage pail.

Life lessons learned.

A person can learn a lot from a dog, even a loopy one like ours.

Marley taught me about living each day with unbridled exuberance and joy, about seizing the moment and following your heart. He taught me to appreciate the simple things — a walk in the woods, a fresh snowfall, a nap in a shaft of winter sunlight. And as he grew old and achy, he taught me about optimism in the face of adversity.

Mostly, he taught me about friendship and selflessness and, above all else, unwavering loyalty.

When his time came last week, I knelt beside him on the floor of the animal hospital, rubbing his gray snout as the veterinarian discussed cremation with me. No, I told her, I would be taking him home with me.

The next morning, our family would stand over the hole I had dug and say goodbye. The kids would tuck drawings in beside him. My wife would speak for us all when she’d say: “God, I’m going to miss that big, dumb lug.”

But now I had a few minutes with him before the doctor returned. I thought back over his 13 years — the destroyed furniture and goofy antics; the sloppy kisses and utter devotion. All in all, not a bad run.

I didn’t want him to leave this world believing all his bad press. I rested my forehead against his and said: “Marley, you are a great dog.”

Happy 4th of July!

I just wanted to say that!

And share this blog:

999 Reasons To Laugh At Infertility

It's quickly becoming a favorite. For anyone who knows nothing about infertility, I think it helps to understand some of what us TTC-ers are thinking, and does so quite comically!

And for us TTC-ers, it just makes us giggle!

Plain Jane

Have we all seen commercials for the CW's latest gem, Plain Jane?

Each week they give an average, not-so-attractive woman a makeover. Hair, make-up, wardrobe, even confidence building exercises! Then the no-longer-plain Jane surprises her crush and tells him how she feels. Hopefully now that she's a knockout, he'll fall in love with her!

Really? Is this what we're teaching our daughters? "If you look hot, the man of your dreams will love you!" I'm all about bettering yourself whether it be your health, your appearance or your attitude. But do it for you. Don't expect it to cause the object of your affection to fall for you. Chances are if he's known you for more then a few months and hasn't developed feelings for you, he's probably not going to. At least not the kind that will last. It's no way to start a healthy, long lasting relationship. And chances are Mr. Right isn't perfect either. But do you think he's gonna go whiten his teeth and get a stylist? No.

So, ladies, do what you have to do to make yourself happy! In time the right man will come along, and he will love you for your inner and outer beauty, and he will accept you as you are!

Zoey turns one!

My Zoey turned ONE on June 28th! I can't believe I didn't blog about it that day, so I'm doing it now!

We got her in Bullhead City. We went with the intention of finding a puppy... The moment I saw her, she stole my heart! We took her to PetSmart right away and got the basics- bowls, food, leash, collar- then we brought her home and showed her her new home! The first time I weighed her she was just about 2lbs. So tiny and so furry!

Here we are on the way home from Bullhead that first day!

It took her a little while to warm up to us. The first week or so she didn't care if we were home or out, playing with or ignoring her. Whenever we couldn't find her, she was hiding under the couch.
Now she's all grown up, weighing about 7lbs. The days of not caring much about us are long gone. Anytime I leave, I can hear her crying and barking till I'm in the car and sometimes she runs outside and watches me drive off through the gate. When I get home it's like she hasn't seen me for days (even if I was only gone 10 minutes). She loves to go for walks and even more than that, LOVES the dog park! And she's a good traveler! She likes to go new places and explore!
I'm so glad she came into our lives, I can't imagine what I'd do without her!

Sick of tuna.

For the pats couple months I've been trying to lose weight. I went to my primary doctor at the end of April and weighed (keep in mind this was in the afternoon, after lunch & fully clothed)...... 275lbs... That's really not acceptable. And think how heavy I'll be when I get pregnant! ACK! So, since then I've committed to a healthier lifestyle. I'm not getting into any diet pills because of the chance of getting pregnant. So I'm doing it all natural. I used to eat a lot of cookies & such throughout the day; now I don't. That's probably the biggest, hardest change I've made. Any cookies I eat are 100 calorie packs (I generally have one a day). For breakfast I have a bowl of cereal (currently generic Honey Bunches of Oats). For lunch I either have a tuna sandwich or a frozen Lean Cuisine (of course I don't eat it frozen). That's getting old. I haven't changed up our dinners much, but we eat a lot of chicken and pork. I don't do hamburger helper or any other prepacked dinner anymore. We still do tacos, burgers, and occasionally pasta. I try to add a green veggie or salad to every meal for me (Clint doesn't like "rabbit food"). Side dishes are getting difficult. I don't do any frozen potatoes (i make my own oven fries, mashies, etc) anymore. I've switched from canned to frozen corn. But mac & cheese was a big part of our life before. I've made a healthier mac & cheese from scratch (boxed m&c has tons of sodium!) but Clint didn't love it... so I'm trying to find another recipe that I think he'll like. And I'm using wheat mac. I often get a craving at night, and I'll either have 60 calorie pudding, a Skinny Cow ice cream sandwich or a SmartOnes frozen dessert. The other big change I've made is that I have completely cut out soda! I haven't even had a sip since May 1st or 2nd, and it's amazing how much I don't miss it! I used to have at least one can a day, often 2. Now, I drink green tea with lunch and fresh brewed iced tea with dinner.

I also exercise! I walk Zoey almost every day, the route I usually go is 1.74 miles. Sometimes I do closer to 2, sometimes 1.5. The past couple weeks I've been doing a work out DVD. It's a dance one... I can't remember the name.. something like "10 Minute Solution." It's got a few 10 minute segments and I've mastered the "Simple Slimmer" and have tried to move onto the next one, and its so hard! LOL. It goes too fast for me. I think tomorrow I'll just try the lower body part and work on upper body later. I feel so pathetic that I can only last 10 minutes, but I'll ease myself into longer sessions. Of course I only do the DVD on Clint's days off, so I'm aiming for 5 days a week.

With all this, there are times that I cheat. If I'm out of town it's hard to stay on a good diet. When I'm at a birthday party, I indulge in cake & ice cream. And a week or two ago I decided I'd been so good that I deserved to bake myself some cookies (something I used to do at least twice a month). I think it's important to know that I can do these things. That no one is forcing me to diet. I'm doing it for myself and I can cheat when I want. And knowing that, I don't do it often.

After all that, my current weight is 259. That, of course is first thing in the morning, haven't eaten anything, naked. So I can't really say I've lost 16 lbs since that doctors visit. But I'd say at least 10!

There's a handful of reasons I want to lose this weight. Of course I'd love to look better and be able to shop anywhere. Of course I know it's better for my overall health, especially with diabetes running in the family. But the main reason is for my future children. It certainly can't hurt with conception, and down the road, as our children are growing up, I want them to be healthier than I was. That won't happen if they see me eating crap all the time. I need to set a good example. And plus if they're not used to having cookies on hand all the time, they won't expect it, and it won't be hard for them.

Oh, I should also credit Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution as part of my inspiration. Watching that show was a big eye opener!

So, slowly but surely, I'll shrink down to a happier size... until I balloon up with a baby belly, then I hope to find the motivation to keep truckin' on with this diet thing!

Wish me luck!

Scrabooking- Current & Wedding

Because I'm bored, just waiting for clothes to come out of the dryer, I figured it was a good time to post some more scrapbook pages. The first bunch are from my current album.

This is when we first got Zoey!

In September, Rheannon & I went to Vegas for the Britney concert!
We had Thanksgiving at our house, and Holly was all about drawing pictures! Here's one she drew of our Thanksgiving table.

And a note she wrot to Clint..

Christmas weekend when we went for a Ranger ride and did some Geocaching with the Myers'!

Clint started brewing his own beer with the kit he got for Christmas. I used bottle caps for the letters. :)

Some pictures from our first lake trip of the year, in March!

Also from the first lake trip. Zoey wanted to catch those ducks! It was sooo cute!!

And my most recent page! That's my SIL Robin's little ones!

And that's where this abum ends for now! I'm waiting on Easter pictures from my BIL, but I'm starting to think I'll never get them, so maybe I should just scrap the ones I have.

So now I'll move on to my wedding album!

First dance page! I put the lyrics over that big picture.

And that's it for now!

Trying

When I started blogging, I wasn't sure if I was gonna talk about this or not. There's a reason I've kept it off of Facebook. There's a handful of people (family, BFFs) that I talk to about it regularly.

What is it?

Since we got married, we've been trying for a baby. Which means over a year now. At first, I pretty much told everyone that we planned to have a baby right away. So I'm sure this doesn't come as a surprise to anyone. After I realized it wasn't happening right away, I kinda kept my mouth closed. You have no idea how much I wish I would have kept my mouth shut to begin with, told everyone "Ohh we're not ready yet" or "It'll happen when it happens." Because, especially when I was working, people always ask "Pregnant yet?" Which is silly, because if I told you that we were trying, don't you think I'd tell you when it happened? And if I didn't tell you without being asked, there's probably a reason we're keeping on the DL.

But for the most part I've been lucky as far as people constantly asking. By now the people I discuss it with know I'll tell them when there's news, and when they ask it doesn't bother me at all. I know its out of love and concern. We are very lucky to have a great support system in all this. My mom's on our side, waiting for a phone call. Clint's mom & sisters have been great. You can tell they are eager for us to have a baby, and that means so much to me. My girls, my best friends- well they're amazing too. Alwways there for me.

So I've decided to come out with it in my blog. I figure this is the best way to do it. Any info that I'm willing divulge will be on here. If you are interested in our Trying To Concieve ("TTC") story, follow my blog and you'll be up to date, and I won't have to rehash everything over and over. I should warn you, there may be TMI at some point. Sorry.

So here's our TTC Timeline to date:

June 2009- We stopped preventing.

July 2009- I started researching online. I learned about charting (I'll talk about that later) and I found The Mommy Playbook (TMP). (I'll talk about TMP later too)

August 2009- Started charting.

November 2009- I started to really get emotional about it. I guess you could say I was consumed by it... its all I wanted, its all I could think about. I decided for the holidays to kind of take a break. It would be hard to keep up with the charting while out of town anyway. I still tried to do the deed, or "baby dance" (BD) as us TTC-ers like to call it, at the right time, but tried not to stress about it too much.

January 2010- I finally went to see a gynecologist (at the end of the month). Dr. L. did the basic well woman exam and everything checked out okay, which was a huge relief. He told me to come back in 2 months if I'm not pregnant yet.

April 2010- Clint had his semen analysis which came back good. Back to Dr. L. He perscribed me Clomid, 50mg, to be taken days 5-9 of my cycle. It worked out that I got to start taking it the next day- yay! Clomid helps make you ovulate and regulate your cycle. Unfortunately, it didn't work for me in April.

May 2010- Took the same dosage of Clomid, and... hurray! I O-ed! Unfortunately this happened while I was in Oregon visiting mom, and Clint was still here in AZ. Oh well, it was nice to know I O-ed, and also nice to have the pressure off for a couple weeks. And it gave me hope for th next cycle.

June 2010- Same dosage of clomid. On CD17, I had a dark line on my OPK but not as dark as its supposed to be, so I don't think I O-ed. Back to Dr. L on the 23rd and he upped my dosage to 100mg, which I'll start for July's cycle. Hopefully this will help! If it doesn't, the next step will be more in-depth testing. Cross your fingers that we don't have to go there!


I mentioned charting. Every morning I take my temperature. It's called your Basal Body Temperature (BBT) and it has to be done very first thing in the morning, before I even get out of bed, and it really needs to be done at the same time every morning (really a pain in the ass). Every day I enter my temp in my chart at Fertility Friend. I also enter any medication I take, any symptoms (headaches, cramps, etc), OPKs (ovulation tests) and of course I keep track of any time we do the deed. Why do this? After ovulation, your temps go up. It doesn't help predict when you'll O, but helps confirm when you have already O-ed.

The Mommy Playbook is kind of like an online community. It's a place for moms to go to talk about their families, get advice, share tips, etc. Obviously, I'm not a mom yet. But they have a whole section for TTC, and it's full of some wonderful women! Some of these women have been through so much. Some have been trying for several years. Some have had miscarriages. Some have been on all the medication and been through all the tests. Some already have one or more children and are struggling to complete their family. They are so full of information and inspiration. Recently one of the girls who has been trying for 2 years finally announced she's expecting. This gave everyone hope. It does happen. Miracles happen. Anytime I'm losing hope, they are there to show me the light at the end of the tunnel. Anytime I need advice, there is a handful of them who have been in my exact situation. I'm so glad I found TMP!

Over time, I'm sure I'll share plenty of stories about the heartache involved with TTC, but here's one thing that comes to mind right away...

Babies make us (anyone TTC) sad. We love babies, we want babies, but we don't have any. Seeing your beautiful newborn breaks our heart just a little bit. We're happy that you have your bundle of joy, so don't ever think we're not! Babies are everywhere, and we get jealous.

With all the sadness involved, I still stay optimistic. One thing I have come to believe is that we are meant to have a certain baby. When that egg is ready, that's when we'll get pregnant. And you know what? Our baby will be more loved than anyone could ever imagine, because we have tried so hard to reach parenthood. And we'll get there.

I thought about doing a separate blog for TTC, but it's something I deal with every day. It's a part of my Jolly life.

Autumn Turns Three

Happy Birthday Autumn!!

Autumn is the daughter of one of my besties, Jenn. She turned 3 yesterday and I went to Prescott to celebrate with them! The party was a lot of fun.

The girls had fun splashing around in the whale shaped kiddie pool that blew water out the blow hole. Autumn opened presents and of course afterward she had to play with all the toys! The T-bal set, the bubble gun, and then she put on her super cute dress up clothes (from Auntie Nessa) and played some basketball!

So I got to Prescott at noonish and met up with Jessica (another bestie) & her little one Danielle (5, seen above). Jessica had to work so she wasn't able to go to the party, but that didn't mean Dani couldn't go! So I took her, and in a way I babysat her, but it wasn't a lot of responsibility! She was good for me though, until it was time to leave (I took her to her dad's).

The party was fun, but not because of the kids or the food or the presents, but because of my friends! I haven't made it out to Prescott in a few months, and it was so good to see them! I love my girls!! But that's another blog.

Here we are- That's Melissa, Jenn, Mary and myself. We're only missing Jessica!

10 Minutes

You know you're out of shape when a 10 minute segment of a workout DVD leaves you worn out. 10 minutes is all I can take?! That's just further proof that I must lose weight and get in better shape!

My Name's Janessa, and I'm a Scrapaholic...

That's right, I admit it!

It's what I do with a great deal of my free time, and something I always seem to spend more money on than I intended. But it's worth it! Because it's perserving our memories and telling the story of our life!

When I was 12 years old I asked my mom if I could start a photo album. I went through all the childhood pictures and everything up until that time. I put together a very haphazard album. It was in no particular order and had captions written on notebook paper saying things like "me, mom, Chris" and "monkey at a zoo." Well first of all, I'll never forget that the people in that photo are my mom, my brother and I. No caption needed there! Except maybe a year. And the monkey? I clearly had no recollection of that monkey or that zoo. For all I know I wasn't even there.

As time went on, I kept up with the albums, and now they were in order! Still sloppy, but at least chronological! After high school I started doing them a little more like a scrapbook. I'd use cute stickers and try to make neater captions. I still didn't use scrapbook paper or any neat tools, except a pair of fabric scissors of my moms.. those made a nice zigzag edge.

In the summer of 2007. I finally broke down and got the basics for scrapbooking: an album, lots of paper, stickers, scissors, etc. Since then, I haven't been able to stop! Now I have a hard time going to Michael's without spending a good $80, so I have to avoid the place if I don't want to spend the money. I've got a Cricut now, and many other neato tools!

I'm so glad I started scrapping. I love it and my books are my most prized possessions!

Here's some of my work, starting with my very first page.













I was very proud of this 4th of July page. I cut out all those white strips. It was a lot of work for a beginner!












The next two are from when we rented a cabin in Show Low with all the Jolly's.












Most of these pages have a "sister" page, but I didn't think I needed to post that many pages!












That's not our address anymore, so don't try to stalk me! :-p
























This shows that I have fun with the girls sometimes! Disregard the fact that it was about 2 1/2 years ago. We just have a different, less hazy, kind of fun now.






















































My girls came to visit in April 08, this is my favorite page from their visit. This is Jessica's little one. I made a page like it of Jenn's little one, Autumn, too.












The next three are summer 2008, when we were at the lake alot! That was a great summer!!








































This is my friend Dixie's wedding!












You can't really read the caption, but in August 08 Chris & Nicole visited mom in Oregon, I was jealous, so I scrapped it!












My cutie neice, Nicole!

My fall Oregon pictures from when we lived there (for about 6 months).

And some of the snow pictures! I love photographing Oregon! The top picture is the town of Pilot Rock, where mom lives. That picture captures most of the town, at least the main parts of it.

This is from the day after our wedding, (June '09) when we went to Sunsplash with my family. It was such a fun day!!

And this is from our wedding week, my family! I don't get to see them enough! :(














And that's all I'm gonna post right now! That's the end of my last complete album. I'll post pictures from my wedding album another day, as well as pages from the current album. And as I do more I'll post those too! :) Probably not all of them.. that'd be overkill, no?

Also I wanted to mention that I'm re-doing those old sloppy albums that I mentioned earlier. I'm working on scrapbooking my entire life, from birth till 2007. I started out going backwards, so I'll share those at some point!

Okay that's all from me for now! I think I'm developing carpel tunnel as we speak... or.. type...