My First Mother's Day

Well don't I feel a little spoiled!

And a little silly... because I was kinda worried he would forget to get me something. 

I knew he knew it was Mother's Day and that I expected something. But I figured he'd pick up some flowers either on his way home from work this morning or on his way to work tonight, and I thought he might space it I guess. So when he got home empty handed this morning I was a little bummed, I can't lie. But I figured he'll do it tonight. 

So I was sitting on the couch straightening my hair, and he came out of the kitchen with a little silver box from Zales! Very surprised!! (I should say that I knew he had spent money on the credit card, but figured that was for my birthday.) I opened it to find these beautiful diamond earrings!

For one, they're very much my style lately! I used to wear long dangly earrings, but lately I've liked them smaller, more simple.. like these! Of course I never buy myself diamond earrings. My earrings generally come from Wal Mart for about $5. In fact, I believe these are my first ever diamond earrings!

Now.. this is also kind of a big deal to me because he did it all on his own. He's bought me jewelry two other times. The first was my engagement ring. I didn't pick it out, but I was definitely expecting a proposal so therefore expecting a diamond. The second time was Valentine's Day 2008. I found a necklace on the Zales website that I wanted and told him to order it. Not very romantic and he surely didn't have to put any thought into it. But this?! I was NOT expecting jewelry for Mother's Day. Next year, maybe. Not this year. Flowers. Not diamonds. So I obviously never hinted that I might want something, never pointed out these earrings or anything like them. I mean I don't think I ever mentioned wanting jewelry.. if I did I wasn't serious. He did this all on his own, which is what makes it so special. 

Best. Husband. Ever!!

Love him. 

Bunches. 

Anyway. Today is my first Mother's Day as a Mom. He may still be in the womb but it totally counts. 

I've been waiting for this day for years. That may sound silly. But if you're reading this you probably know that pregnancy didn't come easily to us. We've been trying off and on since we got married in June 2009. Every Mother's Day since then has hurt a little. The first wasn't bad. And I'll never forget that my MIL send me a card that year. She knew we were trying and wanted me to know she was happy I'd be the mother of some of her grandchildren. Each year it got harder though and I got more bitter. Recently I read an old blog post and I'm glad I did. It reminded me where I was, how I felt. It also reminded me to be sensitive today. I feel a little guilty for posting my earrings to Facebook. But I should still be able to enjoy things without feeling guilty. I think that my struggling-for-a-baby friends know that that kind of thing is not meant to hurt them. I acknowledged "past, present, future and fur" moms in my "Happy Mother's Day" post on FB. Then I realized that "past" sounds awful. Even if you've lost a child, you're still a Mom. I hope no one catches that or gets offended by it. I hope people know me well enough to know that I wouldn't mean to say anything hurtful. 

I feel like so far I haven't been too in-your-face with my pregnancy. I don't have a weekly update auto-posted from whatever website to my FB. Those things used to drive me crazy. Like we really don't need to know every week what fruit or vegetable your baby can be compared to. (Either people don't do that anymore, or I blocked that app, because I haven't seen it in a while!) I don't complain about any of the discomforts of pregnancy. I don't post every pregnancy-related thought that pops into my head. I post positive things, and ultrasound pictures and stuff, but I really do make an effort to not over-do it, and I hope my TTC girls don't get hurt or saddened by anything I post. Because I've been there. And I haven't forgotten how hard it was for me to see some of the things that my pregnant friends, and my mommy friends, would post. 

Anyway I forgot where I was going with this. I do wish every Mom out there a Happy Mother's Day. I wish for my friends who are TTC to find peace in the day and keep believing that you'll be called "Mommy" someday soon, no matter what path you have to take to get there. 

<3 p="">

January 27, 2013

     Well what a slacker I've been!! Seriously meant to update FOREVER ago! Well, in my defense, I've been a little preoccupied, because........

....but chances are you knew that already! I had every intention of updating the blog shortly after announcing on Facebook, right around Christmas, but that just didn't happen! My bad. 

     Anyway, a little back story because I wasn't super chatty about this round of TTC. At least I don't think I was. I got off the pill in January. Nothing. So I got back on Clomid for June-Sept. Nothing! I decided to skip the Clomid for October because they made me pretty moody this time and I didn't want to be weird while on vacation. So we had a GREAT time in Oregon with my Mom and Keith. A great time. Like, the best. But more on that later. Toward the end of October, I was expecting my period, thinking I COULD be pregnant, but we didn't put a lot of effort into trying that month, not sure if/when I ovulated, so I really didn't have my hopes up too much. I took a couple tests in mid-October, one at the clinic when I had a bladder infection and it was negative. She put me on the baby safe antibiotics anyway. I had a few other signs.. I remember my boobs being sore at the gym, had some hot flashes. Well on the 23rd I got my first for sure positive test. I had tested the days before with the cheap tests, and I never even told Clint. They were very faintly positive, but I wasn't getting my hopes up till I finally used a good test and there it was!! Two beautiful pink lines! I tested 3 days in a row, and it only got darker. It was really real!! 

     In the beginning I was more scared than excited. You can read my TMP journal for more details about the first few months. Its mostly symptom updates because I realized that I didn't document that very well the first time I was pregnant, and I was really wanting to compare. So I tried to keep up with that kind of thing so that I have comparison for next time. Really I wanted to me sure that this pregnancy didn't feel like the first one. I really wanted it to be opposite, if that makes sense. My major symptom has been lack of energy! Especially the first trimester. I just wanted to sleep all the time. I was napping at the end of my lunch breaks and again after work (for an hour or two) and still going to bed by 10. I lost what little desire I had to cook, and I'm not into big slabs of meat anymore. Like pork chops, steak, burgers. Bleh!! I can do jerky, sausage or ground beef in marina sauce over pasta, lunch meat (yes, I heat it), anything little like that. But big pieces just grosses me out right now... unless its fried. For some reason fried chicken or steak is still yummy to me. Poor Clint has been such a trooper with the lack of cooking! Lately I've been more apt to cook, but I still don't want anything like the aforementioned things, which is the bulk of what we used to eat. So I hate to admit that we've started doing hamburger helper here and there, and frozen lasagna. If it was just me, I would probably have pasta, pizza or boneless wings every night for dinner. Or flautas from the deli. I swear I can live on those right now. Mmmmmmm!! So my energy is coming back over the last month or so, and that's good. BTW, I'm about 17 weeks now. 

     I am starting to show. I guess I wasn't expecting my body to change so fast. About a month ago I realized I needed maternity pants. Actually probably more like 3 weeks. I don't know why I thought it would take longer. But I've got a few pairs of maternity pants now, and already had enough shirts that will work for a while. Maternity clothes at this point are a pain in the ass. They like to ride down and I feel like I need a belt all the time. But I'm getting used to it. Maternity pants don't hold in your gut the way jeans do. Regular jeans totally hide that low gut I've got and maternity jeans really only enhance it. It took a few days of maternity jeans and kinda letting it all hang out to accept that that's how it'll be for a while. I worked so hard to lose weight and I've been sucking my tummy in since middle school. Not being able to do that, and having to let it show and try to be proud of it is a whole new experience. It bothers me that it bothers me, ya know? Especially the first time I wore maternity jeans. I was so self conscious. I caught myself walking around Wal Mart with my hand over my tummy just so people would know I was pregnant. I feel like I look like I'm farther than I am. But I'm getting used to it, and it bothers me much less. I look pregnant. I'm happy to be pregnant and I need to embrace it! So what if I look farther than I am?! 

     Speaking of my body, I've gained about 13 lbs already. That worries me, but Dr. O doesn't seem concerned. I haven't specifically asked him about it, but whenever I see him he says "weight's normal, urine's normal, etc" so I guess its ok. It obviously doesn't worry me enough because I eat terribly. Well I already mentioned the hamburger helper. Also cookies and well pastas and a severe lack of veggies. Sigh. I did so good for so long and now that I'm eating for two, I'm eating crap, and that's not good!! But I can't find the motivation to change! I just know I'm gonna fail the GD test. :/ With the lack of energy, I obviously haven't been to the gym. I kept going for a couple weeks after I found out I was pregnant, then realized that time would be better spent sleeping. And I was right. My body needed the rest. I need to start going again, just to walk at least and get some kind of exercise. I really don't want to gain all 80 lbs back while pregnant. :/ 

     What else? Oh.. work! I get to go back to the golf course very soon. Probably the second weekend of Feb! Yay!!! Housekeeping is killing my back! I've been helping with the hotel and guest houses the last month or so, and making beds is just awful! SO happy to be getting back to my cozy little desk job till baby comes!! 

     Oh yeah so our trip to Oregon was great, as I said. Clint and Keith hit it off so well. They went hunting and fishing and just had a great time together.. they have a lot in common! Mom and I shopped and spent a day with Grandma and relaxed and that was nice too! Zoey had a good time with their dogs, even if little Willie is a little territorial! My Z put him in his place! LOL She's so tough! We spent a couple nights at the casino.. no big wins to speak of, but it was fun to get out and do that kind of thing. Clint doesn't normally go for that sort of thing, but he had a good time too! 

     Speaking of Clint, its his birthday, and I've got birthday brownies to make, so I better stop rambling now. I'll try to update more, but you've heard that before... 

1st Update of 2012

We're about a week into the new year and so far so good! Nothing to complain about, anyway.

I am doing pretty good with the resolutions. I haven't had a soda all year and I've definitely cut back on the sugar. I've gone back to only having a chocolate treat once a day, generally after dinner. My afternoon snacks are healthier. Like yesterday I made a veggie soup and that's gonna be my afternoon snack and/or side dishes for a few days. Or I'll have fruit. I keep meaning to make hard boiled eggs, but keep forgetting. Anywy, definitely doing better and not really having a hard time with it after the first few days. I guess I do kinda cheat and have a chocolate calcium chew or two throughout the day to make me feel like I had chocolate. My other resolution was to crank up the gym routine. Well, I tried. But the routine I had detailed in my last entry left me exhausted the rest of the day. :( I felt fine while working out, but after the shower and relaxing for a minute, my body just felt limp and so tired. I guess I don't really need to burn over 600 calories at the gym everyday. So I went back to my old routine (eliptical, half weights, treadmill (rotating which weights I do daily) and I've added 5 minutes to my treadmill time. So far I've only had one day of that. But I think that will be okay. And I burn like 570 calories doing that so that's plenty. I keep meaning to look up how many calories you burn with daily activities like housework and sleeping. Just to see.

I've also started counting calories again with My Fitness Pal. It really does help! I forgot how much I liked to see the end of the day prediction. "If everyday were like today, you'd weigh xxx in 5 weeks." It gives extra motivation and something to work toward. And when you have a bad food day it makes you realize how much of an impact it would have if you always had bad food days!

I was pretty proud of myself on Friday, grocery shopping day. Had a normal breakfast. Then lunch at Red Robin where I got a salad (love thier salads). Yes I had ranch and the foccacia bread they serve with it but I don't think that's too terrible. Then instead of the 100 calorie pack of brownies I had in my purse, I had a banana on the way home. While the evil Robin ate Reese's. Mmmm. But I did good, so I'm proud!!

I guess I should talk about the doctors appt I had on the third. My blood sugar is still high (actually a point higher than last time) at 6.0. I gotta keep in mind, though, if I remember correctly, that the A1c test is your blood sugar over the last 3 months, like that's how long it stays in your system or something. I'm not a scientist or a doctor. Anyway. If that's the case, this test had October, November and most of December. Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas cookies (I did it right before Christmas). So that's a bad three months! Hopefully the next one wil be better. I think it'll be in March so it will have probably the end of December, January, February and early March. I'm sure I'll do some poor eating on Super Bowl Sunday and there's probably some poor eating leftoever in December. But the rest of it should be okay! No other special eating occasions that I know of! My doctor did tell me that I should be eating like a diabetic. I don't really know how diabetics eat. But I'm gonna try to learn. For now I'm just doing like I said and cutting way back on sugars and carbs. That veggie soup I mentioned earlier didn't have potatoes or noodles and only had half the corn it called for. I'm trying.. baby steps. If the next draw is still as high or close then I will try to make more changes.

Also at my appt, we talked about me getting off the pill and TTC again soon. Dr. O said I can get off the pill whenever we're ready (yay!), but warned us to be ready to get pregnant right away. Apparently when you have PCOS, the birth control gets the PCOS in check and makes you more fertile. It takes a few months for the PCOS to kick back in so therefore I'm most fertile the first few months. Exciting, but kind of scary!! With the miscarriage in 2010 of course I am nervous about being pregnant again. I know that I'm a million times healthier now though. But I am also a star candidate for gestational diabetes which I read up on yesterday. Early in the pregnancy it can cause birth defects (commonly in the heart in brain :( ) and miscarriage (possibly why I miscarried last time). Later in the pregnancy, it can cause a big baby, resulting in C section. And as soon as the baby is born he/she has to be tested and possibly treated for low blood sugar. I feel like it's a big risk to take. But I also know that lots of women get gestational diabetes and give birth to healthy babies. But it does scare me and even makes me feel a little guilty for wanting to have a baby that could possibly have birth defects and other problems. But I know that it's a risk we have to take. I'll always have blood sugar problems. Anyway, we have an idea of when we plan to get off the pill, but I don't think I'm telling! :p I think I'll let it be a surprise when I get pregnant. Although I will probably have to vent about something TTC related and blow my cover. Well for now our plans will remain a mystery! Bwahahahaha!

Now it's time for weight talk! Well on New Years Eve I guess I pigged out a little and gained 3 lbs by Jan 2 (gym close on the first). So that put me back up around 211. Yesterday I was back down to 207 even! Woohoo! Almost back to my pre-Christmas weight! LOL. And the way I've been eating and exercising, I expect to see some good loss again! Like how it was in May, hopefully!

I did measurements on January 5th, at 207.25 lbs. Some slight changes for the better...
Waist: 48" (same)
Thigh: 24" (-1/2")
Torso: 39.5" (-1/4")
Chest: 37.5" (-1/4")
Bust: 44.5" (-1/4")
Arm: 13.25" (same)

I tried on a pair of 14 jeans, same brand as the 16s I got before Christmas. No dice! LOL. I was thinking these 16s are perfect in the waist but kinda loose in the thigh and butt (I always have this problem), so I thought maybe a pair of 14s would fit well in the thighs and butt, and I would be able to fake button them with a rubberband. But no. Not that close yet, but I'll get there darnit!

So what else.. New Years Eve I did end up playing Wii with Robin and Ellie. We all had fun. :) I brought over my noise makers that were my moms when she was a kid (about age 12) so they are ancient and super cool! Ellie sure liked them! LOL.

I guess that's it since it hasn't been that long since I last updated. Hope everyone is doing well!

No More Bullshit!

That's something my nephew used to like to say, and as I type it I say it in little kid voice... more like "No Mo Booshit."

But I've decided with my blog, where my weight loss is concerned.. No more bullshit! You may notice that my goal on my ticker has jumped to 75lbs. You may also notice that my ticker has my BMI on there too. It is a little sad that my goal BMI is still in the overweight range. As I get closer, I may decide to shoot for a full 100lbs. But I'll decide on that later. It's been soooo long since I've been there (lik, high school) that I can't even picture what I'd look like. I can't imagine myself being skinny.

I'm also not gonna be beating around the weight bush. I started this journey in mid-April at 175lbs. That's the most I've ever weighed. This morning I weighed in at 257.25lbs. My goal is to weight 200lbs. I believe when I met Clint (5 1/2 years ago) I was about 210. When we got married I was about 250. When I stopped working is when I put on the rest of the weight, pretty much. Once I get down to close to 200 lbs, I may decide that I should get to 175 or 180. I can't imagine weighing any less than 175. And that's at the high end of healthy weight for my height. I can deal with that. But for now I would just love to be at 200 lbs. I think about how I looked back then, and of course at that time I wasn't happy with myself. In fact I have much more self confidence now than I ever did back then! But that's because I've grown comfortable with my body. It wasn't something that I had the drive to change, so I had to accept that that's how I was. I learned to accept my body and be happy with it. And Clint has never made me feel like he wasn't happy with how I looked. He has always encouraged me to lose weight and is supportive of my diet. But he's never made me feel bad about myself like so many husbands do. For that, I'm very lucky!

I have made a decision that has been in the back of my mind for weeks now, but I never wanted to admit to myself that that's the decision I wanted to make. I've decided that I don't want to start trying for a baby again until I'm at least 200lbs. Even if/when Dr. O gives me the go-ahead (which should happen before I get there!). I feel like if I get pregnant before I reach that weight goal, I won't be able to get back on the ball after the baby comes. It will only be harder with a baby in the house. Who is gonna babysit so I can go to the gym every day? Its hard for me to admit that I'm putting myself first. I feel like it's the right thing to do though. As much as I hate to think that it will be so. long. before I get to hold my own baby in my arms, even though I'm tearing up as I type this because it's making it seem more real, I beleve in my heart that it's the right thing to do. We've still got some good baby making years ahead of us. I need to do this now. And the healthier I am, the healthier my pregnancy will be, and the healthier my child will be. And isn't that what matters most?

I can't predict how long it will take for me to reach my 75lb goal. At this rate, I'm losing about 10 a month. So if I keep it up at this rate, maybe by Christmas? But if I plateau (and surely I will eventually), who knows how long it will be. Could be next summer. I hope it's at least by spring. That would be a year from when I started.

I do have a good feeling about it. I feel like once I get down to a healthier weight, it will be easier to convieve, and hopefully less likely to miscarry. If we have to take fertility drugs again, that's fine. Of course my big fear is wasted time. What if I'm being selfish, and "wasting" all this time trying to lose weight. Every month we don't try is one less fertile month. It's one less chance at conception. What if when we start trying again, we don't get pregnant after a few months, and we find out that there's a bigger problem? Something that we could have been working on while I was losing weight? That thought terrifies me. Then we would have to wait even LONGER. We may be getting thinner, but we're not getting any younger! What if we find out that we can't have kids at all and now they won't let us adopt because we are too old? There are so many fears that go along with this. But I have to have faith in my decision. I have to trust that this is the right thing to do. And I do. I just hope I don't get proven wrong.

So enough of that. Last time I posted, I expressed that I was afraid I didn't lose any weight over the long, birthday/holiday/MIL in town weekend. Well, I did! 1.5 lbs! So yay! And today at the gym, I did a 40 minute workout (instead of my normal 25-30) and had a higher resistance, burned 480 calories. Hopefully I can keep up with that kind of workout at least this week to make up for last week a little. :)

Well its time for me to end this super long post. Time to get scrappy! :)

5-8-11

Today is Mother's Day. And I thought last Mother's Day was hard. This year really could have been my first Mother's Day. I was pregnant, after all. I would have a 2 month old right now. I try not to dwell on it, try not to be negative and bitter. But maybe today there it's okay to be bitter.

It's hard because I feel like I want acknowledgement. I want my friends and my family to not tell me "happy Mother's Day," but to in some way show me that they know that it's hard for me, know that I wish I was a Mom, know that all the Facebook statuses with their baby's birth info hurt me just a little. It's not that I don't want them to post those things. Because I surely will when I become a mother. There is one Facebook status that got to me, that I only saw once. "Without my kids, tomorrow wouldn't be worth waiting for and yesterday wouldn't be worth remembering." I realize that it's not intended to sting the way it did. But my first thought was "What am I living for, then?" I know that I'm living for the future, for the chance to finally be called "Mommy." I don't know how one could show the acknowledgement I'm looking for. Maybe by including "future moms" or even "angel moms" in their "Happy Mother's Day" status updates.

My husband asked me today if he should tell me "Happy Mother's Day" and I told him no, but that I appreciate him realizing that today is sensitive for me.

So, where do we... the childless, the TTC-ers, the Infertiles... fit into Mother's Day? Maybe we don't. Maybe there simply isn't a place for us today. Maybe we shouldn't expect other's to acknowledge our pain on this day.

As I type this, I almost feel guilty. Like I shouldn't be putting a damper on anyone else's Mother's Day. It's their day. They... all the Moms... deserve to be happy and celebrate today, guilt free. Because of that, I won't be posting this to my Facebook.

One positive thing I get from this day and this struggling for a baby is this: When I finally become a Mother, I will never take it for granted. I will celebrate Mother's Day with gratitude, knowing just how lucky I am. I will never be insensitive to those who are struggling to be called "Mom" because I will know where they are coming from. I will know the pain they feel, and I will acknowledge that pain. I'll post statuses about my baby, but I'll be careful to not hurt anyone in doing so. I belive that infertility makes us more compassionate, empathetic and understanding.

I'm not looking for sympathy, I feel like I need to make that clear. I am just taking advantage of this thing we call blogging, to get my thoughts out there. To shed some light on the dark side of Mother's Day.

In closing, I would like to wish all those lucky Moms out there a Happy Mother's Day.

Finding the Bright Side

Gah! I'm usually so good at finding the bright side, and getting excited about it. In this case, I see all the bright sides, I'm just not getting excited about it for some reason!

What are the bright sides?
*When I lose weight, I'll look & feel better!
*Maybe I'll have more energy, too!
*I won't be at such a high risk for diabetes, which is great. I really don't want to be a diabetic!
*I'l be living a healthier lifestyle, that hopefully I'll continue after I reach my 25lb goal.
*Hopefully it will make me a healthier mommy someday, and our kids will be healthier because of it.
*In six months or so, we can TTC again, and hopefully get pregnant pretty quick, and hopefully have a healthy baby.
*A July baby isn't so bad. I always wanted a spring or summer baby. Warm weather birthday parties are more fun, and easier to plan! So if we have a July-September baby, that's great!
*During this time while we're not TTC, I can enjoy life in a different way, without worrying about my cycles or not having a drink "just in case." I now KNOW that I won't be pregnant in 4 months, so if I want to plan things that I can't do while pregnant, I can!

So there. I'm being positive.

However, this diet? Sucks! My shopping trip was something of a fail. I got plenty of fruit, and stuff for salads. But I didn't get any side dishes. Probably because I don't know what to get. Guess we will just have to figure it out.

So yesterday Robin & I went to Prescott (kid free!) and we had lunch at Olive Garden. Obviously I didn't get the big plate of pasta I would normally go for. No, we both did the unlimited soup, salad, & breadsticks deal. We had three salads, I had two bowls of soup, and limitted myself to one breakdstick. I had the Minestrone soup, which has veggies & beans. It also has some macaroni, but oh well! For a snack later, I had a banana. On the way home, we ate a bag of grapes (instead of the Easter candy we've been having lately).
For dinner, Clint & I had taco salad. We baked some whole wheat carb balance tortillas, which were actually really good like that! I don't know if I'm supposed to have any kind of tortilla. Obviously, I still haven't got my diet completely figured out. But after dinner, I could feel my body digesting differently. It hurt a little, but mostly it was just weird. This diet is already effecting me. And I know it's a good thing. It's just weird!

Today I had Total boring cereal for breakfast with half a banana. For lunch I had a Healthy Choice meal. Throughout the day I've had another banana, a watermelon slice, an apple, a ham & cheese rollup and a hard boiled egg. Not once have I felt full, or even satisfied after eating. I hope it gets better.

For dinner we're having grilled chicken and corn. Corn is starch, so it's probably a no no. I'll also have salad. Heck the cereal I had this morning probably wasn't right. I guess I should be having eggs for breakfast. I don't like to cook in the morning though. Argh!

While in Prescott yesterday, I got "The Everything Guide To Reversing And Managing Pre Diabetes" so I will read that soon, and hopefully it will give me a better understanding of sugars and carbs and what I can and cannot eat. I would also like to see if I can get one of those finger prick tester things. I think it would help me to see how different foods effect my blood sugar. But maybe the book will give me the understanding I'm looking for.

Time for a change of subject! This morning, Clint helped me get my flower garden area ready. He mixed the soil & stuff for me. And I planted my itty bitty seeds. Really, I wasn't expecting them to be so small! I should have started with the baby plans instead of seeds. Oh well, maybe I'll get lucky! Clint planted his pepper garden yesterday. And we have a raspberry bush to plant, and more flowers and pumpkins and watermelons. Not sure when we'll do that, since we're out of soil. But I look forward to watching all of it grow!

I haven't mentioned my little Zoey lately. Today, Clint handed me a rose bud that he cut off the bush. I was holding it and we were just talking, not even paying attention to Zoey. All of a sudden Zoey jumps up and tries to take the rose from my hand. LOL She thought it was food! Sometimes we'll hold treats at our hips and make her jump for it. Well that's where I was holding the rose. I have it to her but she wasn't interested in eating it. Silly puppy.

I'll leave you with that silly puppy thought. Till next time...

I Don't Even Know What To Name This Entry

Today started out good. Clint and I went to Prescott, had lunch at the mall, then headed to Famous Footwear to get him some new shoes (with a discount from one of my besties!) We still had time to kill, so we went to Michael's where I got some scrapbooking stuff, not a whole lot. I had a doctors appointment at 2, but we got there at 1:30.

After waiting a while (really not much past 2), the ultrasound tech called us back. She did an abdominal and a transvaginal. It was awkward for Clint, next time he will stay in the waiting room! She didn't say a lot, mostly just told me what we were looking at (ovaries, lining, etc). She did say there were cysts, which is to be expected with PCOS.

We waited to see Dr. O for quite some time. We were both getting sleepy! When he finally came in, he apologized for the wait and got right down to business. The ultrasound confirmed PCOS. But the main concern is my blood sugar. Remember the post about my blood work a few weeks ago? Well, it is PRE diabetes, but it sounds like I'm VERY close to full blown diabetes. Of course, I didn't ask for actual numbers. Next time I will try to get my medical records so I can see for myself.

His plan is birth control and metformin. I expected both. What I didn't expect was the SIX months he wants me on them. That's six more months without a chance of pregnancy, and that's when I started crying (because its what I do. ). He wants me to lose 25 lbs before we start trying again. On one hand that sounds like a lot, but really it isn't, not compared to how much I weigh! Which is a secret.

So then we have the weight loss plan. The meds will help. But I also have to exercise every day. He said a walk doesn't count, that I need to sweat! But I sweat when we walk in the sun. Doesn't count. But the worst part is the diet. If you know me, you know I have a sweet tooth. I love cookies so much I bake quite often! Anything sweet, I love. Ice cream. Brownies. Chocolate chips. But I have dieted before and cut waaaaaaaaay back on the sweets. It sucks big hairy balls, but I can do it. No, the worst worst part is the starch. He says very little starch, like one serving a day. Like if I want a sandwich for lunch, to have an open face sandwich. If I want potatoes, to have a small serving. Mac& cheese should probably be out of the question. Pastas? No way. Its amazing how much this is effecting me. But let me take a minute to say that Clint is being so so so supportive! He is a picky eater, and not a veggie fan. Our side dishes are always potatoes or mac. But he is telling me not to worry about him (which comes so naturally to me. Its what I do, its my job to worry about him), that it will be good for both of us, and that its important to keep me from becoming diabetic. I think he is more concerned then he let's on. So, he is being great.

But still, this is so difficult! I have been into meal planning for several months now. It just makes life easier. Well, about half of what we normally eat, we can't now. I was trying to make my grocery list for tomorrow and I was sitting there crying over it and Clint comes in and gives me a hug and I tell him how overwhelming it is, and that I just don't know what we're gonna eat. Its really a drastic lifestyle change. So we talked and made lists and talked some more. We are gonna step into it slowly. For now, we are taking out the junk like hamburger helper. That stuff is so unhealthy anyway! Also, no more mac& cheese. Probably still some potato, just smaller portions. Meat is okay, Dr. O said lots of protein. I'm probably not supposed to have taco shells but for now we are leaving them in.

For breakfast, I'm gonna get a bunch of fruit. I don't know what else to do. I may get a whole grain cereal too.

For lunches, I'm gonna keep doing some Lean Cuisines, but also salads. Salads with ham and/or turkey and olives and carrots and maybe even bell peppers.

Snacks will be fruit, veggies and hard boiled eggs.

None of this is like me, and not much of it sounds appealing at all. But I have to do what I have to do. It is a lifestyle change and I'll get used to it.

But today was rough. It might sound like a silly thing to be so upset over. But combining the diet with waiting six more months to get pregnant... its just a lot.

So I am mopey, and sad, and Negative Nessa right now. And its what I need. Let me find the bright side later. Right now, I need to be sad. So here are some thoughts that are making me sad.

*We get to start trying again in November, if I get pregnant right away (which is unlikely), I still wont have the baby till July 2012. 2012!! Isn't that when the world is supposed to end?
*I'll be 28.
*I'll have been married for three years.
*That leaves lots of time for random friends to get pregnant before me.
*It is very unlikely that I'll have 2 by 30. Heck, we might decide to stick with just one.
*Did I mention I can't eat anything I'm used to eating?
*No more baking
*Eating away from home will be a PITA.

Gah! I guess that is all for now. Maybe my next post will have the bright sides. I'm great at finding bright sides.

Blood Work Results

The nurse called me today with the results from Thursdays blood draw. She said that it is consistent with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). Which I pretty much expected, as I have a lot of the symptoms (overweight, thinning hair, acne, etc). I somehow didn't know that it goes hand in hand with diabetes. She said that I have pre-diabetes. Really, I'm not surprised about that either, because diabetes runs in the family. The only reason that surprised me is because I was tested for diabetes last year, and didn't have it.

The next step is an ultrasound, which isn't scheduled yet. The nurse she would have the receptionist call to schedule an appointment, but I guess it was too late in the day, so hopefully she will call tomorrow. If not, I'll call them. To schedule it around my period and Clint's work schedule, it will either be April 7th, 8th, 14th, or 15th. Of course I'm hoping we can get in the earlier dates, but then it won't work if my period is late (they don't want to do it during that time of the month), so maybe the later dates would be better. We'll see.
The ultrasound will be to check for cysts.

My prediction for treatment (based on googling and talking to others who have PCOS) is diet & exercise, weight loss, and probably a drug called Metformin. If I wasn't trying to get pregnant, they would probably put me on birth control. There is a chance he will do that anyway, I think. I know I've heard of getting on the pill for a few cycles to regulate before starting to TTC. Of course, I'm rooting for the Metformin! But I will do whatever Dr. O. reccommends!

How am I feeling about all this? Really good! I have thought for a long time that I probably have PCOS, so it's nice to know for sure. And you can't treat a problem until you know what the problem is, so I'm happy to have a problem to treat! It would have been really disappointing if they had said that my blood was fine, and they have no idea what our problem is. Know what I mean?

It is kinda weird to think that I've had this since puberty. Looking back, it explains a few things. Like when I was 15 and my hair started thinning. And when I ws 17 (and a virgin) and didn't have a period for 4 months. It's just weird to think it's been there all along, and I had no idea. Also, it's weird that they say that it runs in the family. I'm pretty sure my mom didn't have it since she didn't have trouble having Chris & I. But I take so much after my dads mom. Maybe she had it. She only had one biological child (my dad). Maybe that's why and I just never heard about it, or maybe she never knew it.

Well anyway, it is dinner time. TTFN!

First Meeting With Dr. O.

*Note to TMP ladies: I copied from my TMP post so you've already read this. :)

The only thing that would have made it a better appointment is if he had discovered I was pregnant wihile doing the pap!

I think I'm gonna love this new doctor!

First he just talked to us about our history of TTC and our miscarriage, asked all the medical questiions, etc. He said that he doesn't like to just put people on Clomid without doing any kind of tests. My last dr put me on Clomid without any testing because it didn't look like I was ovulating. (It worked but still). If he decides that Clomid is the way to go, it'll be monitored (YES!!). I was really surprised that he didn't tell me to lose weight right off the bat. I'm very overweight. I brought it up and he said he wanted to check my hormone levels and if there is a hormone problem, regulating it might help with the weight loss. It felt good that he didn't just assume that my weight was causing the problem. I don't know, we didn't get a lot of info today, but I just really like Dr. O. He was easy to talk to, and it didn't feel rushed (my last dr made me feel like I was keeping him away from his pregnant patients). He asked DH a couple questions and I was like "I knew there was a reason he came!" and Dr. O. said that he should be there because it takes 2! Which is so true!

So he gave me an order for blood work and said he'd call with the results and probably schedule an ultrasound.

The only thing that sucks is that we live an hour & a half away so when it comes time to make visits at a certain time in my cycle, I'll have to just come on a whim. I'll just have to be mentally prepared for it. I'm such a planner.

I'm gonna get my bloodwork done Thursday morning since I'll be in town Wednesday for a scrapbooking day with my besties, and I'll spend the night and do the blood draw in the AM, that way I don't have to drive so far while fasting. I can't go very long without breakfast.

So that's that! I'm excited to see what my hormone results are and see what the next step is! Fingers crossed that we can get it figured out before AF shows (which should be at least 2 weeks away) so we can start something next cycle!

March 6, 2011

I will always remember today as the day my first baby was due. I realize that I most likely would have had the baby weeks ago, but today still holds some significance. As the day has been approaching, I wasn't sure what to expect from myself. A month & a half ago, I was feeling all kinds of anxiety about it. I was sad, mad, scared, everything. But lately I've felt more calm about it. That's probably because we are taking steps toward trying again. But still, my heart is heavy today. I would rather be holding my baby in my arms than only in my thoughts. I'd rather be caring for a newborn all day than scrapbooking all day. I'd rather be exhausted than well rested. Everything that monthers compain about having to do, or not being able to do. I'd give anything to have what they have.

I had thought when it came time to try again, I wouldn't want to talk about it. And I didn't think I'd tell many people when we finally do get pregnant again. But now I realize that I'm an open person. It would feel werid to me if no one knew what we were experiencing. So I'll blog about it. I'll tell those close to me, but I won't post it on Facebook (those who take the time to read my blog, will get to be in the know).

Also, infertility is talked about so infrequently, but why? It's a real issue and maybe if more people talked about it, more people would understand it, and maybe insurance would cover treatments better.

I don't know that I'm "infertile"... obviously we are capable of concieving. But it falls under the same category, since it took us so long to get pregnant the first time, and needed fertility drugs.

So I have a doctors appointment on the 11th with Dr. O. in Prescott. He is supposed to be really good with fertility problems, and really easy to talk to (not like my last dr). So I'm really looking forward to it! I imagine he will do blood work right away, at least I hope so! He should check all my hormone levels, and test for PCOS. Hopefully soon, we will have a game plan.

The thought of "trying" again is daunting. It's more work than anyone realizes and it takes the fun out of things. But I'm finally ready.

Clint is already being more involved this time around. He'll be going to my appointments with me. I think it will help for him to have all the info that I have. I'm not good at reiterating what the dr says, and Clint will have his own questions that I won't think to ask. So it's important that he goes, and I'm excited that he's wanting to be so involved this time! I've got a good feeling.

My sister-in-law is expecting, and I'm hoping that ours will be just a few months behind!

I might start a new "trying" blog, I might just change the name of this one, or not. IDK yet. But I'll keep the blogosphere updated.

Follow Up

Well I was expecting a pelvic exam but didn't get one. I guess it wasn't necessary? Not that I'm complaining, I wasn't looking forward to it! lol. We just talked. All my blood work came back good and he said there's no problems with me. I asked if the LEEP (procedure where they remove bad cells from the cervix) I'd had a few years ago had anything to do with it, but he said that my cervix is in good shape and healed well. I can expect the random spotting to continue for another week & a half. Ick. And I can expect my period to come in about 3 weeks. I know everyone was wanting to know that! LOL. He said that the next time around, I will be monitored more closely. He'll do quantitive HCG tests which make sure my hormones are doing what they're supposed to- doubling every 48 hours. And at about 8 weeks I'll get an ultrasound! Sooooo excited about that! Although I'm hoping he'll do it at 9 weeks instead since we lost this one at 8 1/2. He confused me a little: He said it's up to us when we start trying again, but after 2 months there's not an increased risk for miscarriage. So does that mean if we get pregnant right away there's a higher risk? I think we'll at least wait the 2 months, if not more. Still gotta talk to Clint about it! But Dr. L did say that when I'm ready, he'll put me back on Clomid. Yay to that! So all in all I'm feeling pretty good about the next time around. The reason for this miscarriage as far as anyone can tell is that there was just a missing building block, as he put it. It happens in many pregnancies and unfortunately it just wasn't a viable pregnancy. All we can do is hope (and believe!) that next time, we won't be missing any building blocks. We'll be watched more closely so we'll have more info right off the bat. I'm feeling confident that we'll still have a 2011 baby!

Like I said, I'm not totally sure when we're gonna start trying again, but I can say with certainty that I will NOT be posting it on here or on Facebook. Same goes for when we get that positve. I won't be announcing it for a while, just so you know. And don't ask because either 1)I won't be pregnant and it'll make me sad that you asked, or 2)I will be pregnant and will lie about it. LOL

Of course we'll definitely tell moms and my sisters-in-law. Not sure who else.

Okay I think I'm done running my mouth...... Later Taters!

Thoughts.

I'm realizing that one of the (many) sucky things about this new situation is that it's all a distant dream again. In the year that we were trying, I'd always think about things like baby showers and going into labor and just how everything will work out. But there was no time frame on it. It was all a "someday" kinda thing. Then I got pregnant and finally.. finally! There was a time frame on all those thoughts. I'd have my baby shower in January or February. My mom would try to plan a trip for when I expect to go into labor, but would fly out when it was time no matter what. In October we'd find out the sex and could pick a name and a nursery theme. I was hoping to start furniture shopping in the next couple months. It was all attainable. And thinking about it was the right thing... the normal thing... to do. And now? It's all on the back burner again. It's all that distant "someday" dream that I can't put any time frame on. Will it be a summer baby? A winter baby? I'm back to not being able to plan around the baby, whereas a week ago I was able to plan around the baby, and it was nice to be able to do that.

My stomach isn't sore from the d&c anymore, which is nice! The first day or two I wasn't bleeding or cramping much at all, but the past couple days I've had serious cramps in the morning, along with more bleeding than I'd like. It's not a ton or anything, but still annoying and kinda depressing. I was supposed to be done with that for a while, ya know? Sorry for the TMI there. I've still got all the support in the world. And some of my girls are planning to visit in a couple weeks for a scrapbooking day, which will be fun! And much needed, because I haven't scrapped in a while!

My follow up appointment is Friday morning. I'm looking forward to that. I don't like not having a game plan right now. We're just kinda in limbo. Hopefully on Friday the Dr. L will tell me when we can start trying again (not that we'll start trying just because we "can"... we'll start when we're ready), and hopefully he'll tell me that I'm healing well and my cervix and uterus are in good condition. And hopefully he'll also tell me that next time around I'll be considered high risk and will get monitored more closely. I would love an early ultrasound and twice a month appointments. I don't know if that's realistic, but that's what I'll have to find out.

I've been staying away from TMP. It's weird being there because I don't know where to go... The only place I'd fit in is in "pregnancy loss support" or "waiting to TTC" but neither of those sound too appealing at the moment. I'd want to check in on the girls in my due date club, so for now I'm just staying away till I have some kind of game plan again.

Well I didn't intend for this to be so long. Thanks for reading! :)

Happy 4th of July!

I just wanted to say that!

And share this blog:

999 Reasons To Laugh At Infertility

It's quickly becoming a favorite. For anyone who knows nothing about infertility, I think it helps to understand some of what us TTC-ers are thinking, and does so quite comically!

And for us TTC-ers, it just makes us giggle!

Trying

When I started blogging, I wasn't sure if I was gonna talk about this or not. There's a reason I've kept it off of Facebook. There's a handful of people (family, BFFs) that I talk to about it regularly.

What is it?

Since we got married, we've been trying for a baby. Which means over a year now. At first, I pretty much told everyone that we planned to have a baby right away. So I'm sure this doesn't come as a surprise to anyone. After I realized it wasn't happening right away, I kinda kept my mouth closed. You have no idea how much I wish I would have kept my mouth shut to begin with, told everyone "Ohh we're not ready yet" or "It'll happen when it happens." Because, especially when I was working, people always ask "Pregnant yet?" Which is silly, because if I told you that we were trying, don't you think I'd tell you when it happened? And if I didn't tell you without being asked, there's probably a reason we're keeping on the DL.

But for the most part I've been lucky as far as people constantly asking. By now the people I discuss it with know I'll tell them when there's news, and when they ask it doesn't bother me at all. I know its out of love and concern. We are very lucky to have a great support system in all this. My mom's on our side, waiting for a phone call. Clint's mom & sisters have been great. You can tell they are eager for us to have a baby, and that means so much to me. My girls, my best friends- well they're amazing too. Alwways there for me.

So I've decided to come out with it in my blog. I figure this is the best way to do it. Any info that I'm willing divulge will be on here. If you are interested in our Trying To Concieve ("TTC") story, follow my blog and you'll be up to date, and I won't have to rehash everything over and over. I should warn you, there may be TMI at some point. Sorry.

So here's our TTC Timeline to date:

June 2009- We stopped preventing.

July 2009- I started researching online. I learned about charting (I'll talk about that later) and I found The Mommy Playbook (TMP). (I'll talk about TMP later too)

August 2009- Started charting.

November 2009- I started to really get emotional about it. I guess you could say I was consumed by it... its all I wanted, its all I could think about. I decided for the holidays to kind of take a break. It would be hard to keep up with the charting while out of town anyway. I still tried to do the deed, or "baby dance" (BD) as us TTC-ers like to call it, at the right time, but tried not to stress about it too much.

January 2010- I finally went to see a gynecologist (at the end of the month). Dr. L. did the basic well woman exam and everything checked out okay, which was a huge relief. He told me to come back in 2 months if I'm not pregnant yet.

April 2010- Clint had his semen analysis which came back good. Back to Dr. L. He perscribed me Clomid, 50mg, to be taken days 5-9 of my cycle. It worked out that I got to start taking it the next day- yay! Clomid helps make you ovulate and regulate your cycle. Unfortunately, it didn't work for me in April.

May 2010- Took the same dosage of Clomid, and... hurray! I O-ed! Unfortunately this happened while I was in Oregon visiting mom, and Clint was still here in AZ. Oh well, it was nice to know I O-ed, and also nice to have the pressure off for a couple weeks. And it gave me hope for th next cycle.

June 2010- Same dosage of clomid. On CD17, I had a dark line on my OPK but not as dark as its supposed to be, so I don't think I O-ed. Back to Dr. L on the 23rd and he upped my dosage to 100mg, which I'll start for July's cycle. Hopefully this will help! If it doesn't, the next step will be more in-depth testing. Cross your fingers that we don't have to go there!


I mentioned charting. Every morning I take my temperature. It's called your Basal Body Temperature (BBT) and it has to be done very first thing in the morning, before I even get out of bed, and it really needs to be done at the same time every morning (really a pain in the ass). Every day I enter my temp in my chart at Fertility Friend. I also enter any medication I take, any symptoms (headaches, cramps, etc), OPKs (ovulation tests) and of course I keep track of any time we do the deed. Why do this? After ovulation, your temps go up. It doesn't help predict when you'll O, but helps confirm when you have already O-ed.

The Mommy Playbook is kind of like an online community. It's a place for moms to go to talk about their families, get advice, share tips, etc. Obviously, I'm not a mom yet. But they have a whole section for TTC, and it's full of some wonderful women! Some of these women have been through so much. Some have been trying for several years. Some have had miscarriages. Some have been on all the medication and been through all the tests. Some already have one or more children and are struggling to complete their family. They are so full of information and inspiration. Recently one of the girls who has been trying for 2 years finally announced she's expecting. This gave everyone hope. It does happen. Miracles happen. Anytime I'm losing hope, they are there to show me the light at the end of the tunnel. Anytime I need advice, there is a handful of them who have been in my exact situation. I'm so glad I found TMP!

Over time, I'm sure I'll share plenty of stories about the heartache involved with TTC, but here's one thing that comes to mind right away...

Babies make us (anyone TTC) sad. We love babies, we want babies, but we don't have any. Seeing your beautiful newborn breaks our heart just a little bit. We're happy that you have your bundle of joy, so don't ever think we're not! Babies are everywhere, and we get jealous.

With all the sadness involved, I still stay optimistic. One thing I have come to believe is that we are meant to have a certain baby. When that egg is ready, that's when we'll get pregnant. And you know what? Our baby will be more loved than anyone could ever imagine, because we have tried so hard to reach parenthood. And we'll get there.

I thought about doing a separate blog for TTC, but it's something I deal with every day. It's a part of my Jolly life.