Thoughts.

I'm realizing that one of the (many) sucky things about this new situation is that it's all a distant dream again. In the year that we were trying, I'd always think about things like baby showers and going into labor and just how everything will work out. But there was no time frame on it. It was all a "someday" kinda thing. Then I got pregnant and finally.. finally! There was a time frame on all those thoughts. I'd have my baby shower in January or February. My mom would try to plan a trip for when I expect to go into labor, but would fly out when it was time no matter what. In October we'd find out the sex and could pick a name and a nursery theme. I was hoping to start furniture shopping in the next couple months. It was all attainable. And thinking about it was the right thing... the normal thing... to do. And now? It's all on the back burner again. It's all that distant "someday" dream that I can't put any time frame on. Will it be a summer baby? A winter baby? I'm back to not being able to plan around the baby, whereas a week ago I was able to plan around the baby, and it was nice to be able to do that.

My stomach isn't sore from the d&c anymore, which is nice! The first day or two I wasn't bleeding or cramping much at all, but the past couple days I've had serious cramps in the morning, along with more bleeding than I'd like. It's not a ton or anything, but still annoying and kinda depressing. I was supposed to be done with that for a while, ya know? Sorry for the TMI there. I've still got all the support in the world. And some of my girls are planning to visit in a couple weeks for a scrapbooking day, which will be fun! And much needed, because I haven't scrapped in a while!

My follow up appointment is Friday morning. I'm looking forward to that. I don't like not having a game plan right now. We're just kinda in limbo. Hopefully on Friday the Dr. L will tell me when we can start trying again (not that we'll start trying just because we "can"... we'll start when we're ready), and hopefully he'll tell me that I'm healing well and my cervix and uterus are in good condition. And hopefully he'll also tell me that next time around I'll be considered high risk and will get monitored more closely. I would love an early ultrasound and twice a month appointments. I don't know if that's realistic, but that's what I'll have to find out.

I've been staying away from TMP. It's weird being there because I don't know where to go... The only place I'd fit in is in "pregnancy loss support" or "waiting to TTC" but neither of those sound too appealing at the moment. I'd want to check in on the girls in my due date club, so for now I'm just staying away till I have some kind of game plan again.

Well I didn't intend for this to be so long. Thanks for reading! :)