Loss

I miscarried.

I'm gonna tell the whole story. Partly for my friends & family, so that they know what exactly is going on. Partly for myself, to kind of document everything while it's still so fresh on my mind. It won't be easy, it won't be pretty. I'm sure there will be TMI at times. I apologize.

*At the end of the whole long story (its really really long, I'm realizing as I type it up), I'll include a summary. That way if you don't want to read through all the gory details, just skip ahead. It'll be in purple.

I should start by saying that for weeks I haven't felt like myself. I assumed it was prgnancy hormones. I was soooo sleepy. I had very little energy or motivation. And food was just unappealing to me. All this is common in the first trimester.

On August 11 (exactly one month after our first positive.), I started seeing some pink blood on the toilet paper. I called the OB office to let them know. First trimester bleeding is common- it happens in 50% of pregnancies. The nurse said that if it's enough that I go through a pad and I have period-like cramps that I should go to the ER. But at this point it was really light and no cramps. The light bleeding continued on and after a couple days I started cramping some. Still the blood was pink (good sign) and not too heavy so I figured I'd wait it out. On Monday the 16th the bleeding seemed to be heavier. The next day I noticed it was red. I was nervous. But didn't want to go to the ER... I don't know if it was optimism or fear. Clints parents were in town and we were having a good time. (I should say, Rhonda was a big help while here. Since I wasn't feeling quite myself, she did all kinds of house and yard work. I can't thank her enough.) On Tuesday at about 9PM I passed a decent sized clot. I had passed a tiny one a few hours earlier which worried me. This bigger one freaked me out. So I started crying in the bathroom, thinking I was losing the baby. I came out of the bathroom, and Rhonda was closest. She saw me crying, asked whats wrong, gave me a hug and grabbed the boys. We were hospital bound.

We got to the ER and there weren't many people in the waiting room- yay! We got signed in and some paperwork done, then into the exam room. I was in there for a while. Two young nurses came in to do my IV and blood work. They were kinda.. dumb! I mean they did their job just fine, but they knew I was pregnant and one of them had just had a baby so they went on to tell me how cute she was and yada yada. That's not something you tell someone who's in the hospital worried about the life of her unborn, ya know? I should have said something. But they were gone soon enough. They had it in my left arm. It wasn't too bad at first, but it got a little uncomfortable. But.. duh.. I've got a needle in my arm! lol. After a while the resident dr came in. He talked to me a bit. Told me there would be a pelvic exam and an ultrasound. He did the pelvic first (eventually) and told me that my cervix was slightly open (should be closed) and there was blood and mucus. At that time, he called it a "threatened miscarriage." Poor Clint was holding my hand through the exam. I know it was weird for him being in there with me while some strange man was poking around my nether regions. But I really needed him. And he did great.

It wasn't long after he left that the u/s lady came in to get me. She wouldn't let Clint or Rhonda (she was still there, Roger had gone back to our house) come into u/s with me. I wasn't okay with it until she told me that she doesn't say anything or show me anything, good or bad, while in there. So then I was okay with it.. if its rules its rules. Clint just wanted to be there for me, so he got a little upset about that. But it was okay, she was very nice, and thanked me for being so agreeable throughout. She had to do a vaginal u/s because I had just peed (stupid nurse told me it was okay to go!). I got rolled back into the exam room...

A little while later a different dr came in. I don't remember his name- he's the residents boss, he said, and he had the results of my u/s. He told me there was no heartbeat and that the baby had measured at 8 weeks, 4 days. I guess I should say that I was supposed to be 11 weeks, 2 days. So this was the worst part for me, to know that I was carrying a lifeless baby for almost 3 weeks. I checked the calendar and it shows that we lost the baby on August 1, based on that measurement. I cried & cried & cried as the dr. was explaining everything to me, telling me how common miscarriages are and that in cases like mine it's not because of anything I did or didn't do. It's because it was never a viable fetus to begin with. Basically, it was doomed from the start. He was very kind and understanding. He said he'd call my OB, but thought that he would probably have me go home and pass the baby naturally. That thought absolutely terrified me. I can't imagine seeing clots every time I peed and knowing what it was. Too heartbreaking. So thankfully when he came back in after talkint to my OB, he said he (OB, Dr. L) wanted to do a D&C which is where they go in and clean your uterus out. Unfortunately this meant I had to stay overnight. I did not want to stay at that time. I remember I kept saying, tears streaming down my face "I don't wanna stay here." I was so scared. By this time it was about a quarter to midnight, I believe. I cried more at the thought of not being able to go home, and at first he didn't think Clint could stay with me and that freaked me out even more. I couldn't stay alone. Thank goodness they were able to let him stay. While waiting for them to get my room ready, I called my mom. It was late, but I figured she'd want to know. She was strong for me. I was a mess. Again, I have to say, Clint was great. He held me tight and just let me cry on him. I could see and feel the sadness in him, but he's such a man, he doesn't let it out.

It took a while for my room to get ready. They wheeled me up to the second floor, room 221. Rhonda left shortly after. The nurse went over all the info with us, and I did some paperwork. I had to laugh at some of the questions, and for the question "Have you had any abnormal bleeding?" I put "That's why I'm here." I know they're just basic forms but sheesh! They also asked what my depression level was. Ha! I was actually holding it together pretty well. I cried a couple times. But I was done bawling by the time we left the ER. Something I like about me- I have a sense of humor abuot things and I'm good about keeping things positive. Of course I'll cry sometimes, but if I let the tears take over where would I be? So I was all settled in my cozy lil' room with my hubby. I had medicine in my IV that was supposed to help sleep. At 2 something (time was kind of a blur), I got up to pee. I had to pull the IV stand thingie with me of course. I bent my arm and it made the IV beep. The nurse came in. Emily. It seems like there was a clot in the IV and the fluids weren't going through. She tried to force it and it wouldn't go and it huuuurt! So this meant they had to find a new spot for the IV. Easier said than done with my tiny little veins. Emily couldn't find any that she felt comfortable with. So she got a little Mexican woman, I wanna say her name was Mary Grace? Something with two names anyway. She poked around trying to get one... that was painful. She wiggled the needle around in there, and it was no good (got a nice bruise there) then she tried my hand, but that didn't work either. Poor lady she felt so bad. So they went and got a nurse from the ER or ICU.. I'm not sure. She had to poke me twice, but did great. And once that one was in it was more comfortable then the first one ever was. The only problem was that it had to be on my right arm which made it hard to do things. Since I'm right handed, and couldn't bend my arm very much. Bummer. But oh well. It wasn't long after that till I was asleep. Clint too.

I started waking up much earlier than I'd hoped- at 7ish. I kept falling back asleep for quite a while. My nurse for the day was Val. We didn't have a set schedule at that time. I was hoping we would... I couldn't eat or drink till surgery so I was hoping it would be pretty early. It wasn't early, but at least it was before noon. They suggested I shower first to avoid a sponge bath. So I did. It was an interesting experience with my IV arm wrapped up and even more unbendable, lol. I think they rolled me down at about 11:30 or so. First they took me to... I don't know what to call it... like OR waiting area. With curtains around all the beds, ya know. The nurses asked me about allergies and all that jazz, took my vitals. Dr. L came in and talked to us for like a split second. He had come up to the room earlier and gone over the procedure with us. A D&C is where they vacuum everything out. That breaks my heart a little because that's how they do abortions. Obviously this wasn't an abortion, but its just not a pleasant thought. So they rolled me to the OR and Clint took off to the waiting room.

Riding around a hospital in a gurney feels like you're in a movie. I guess I should mention this was my first hospital stay, my first IV, my first anesthesia. So it was all new to me. So the OR was freezing (more sterile) and there were quite a few people in there that I didn't recognize. I did see Dr. L, though I don't think he said anything to me. They moved me to another bed. This all happened so fast, it was kinda scary. They strapped my arms down and held an oxygen mask over my face and told me to take deep breaths. This must be when they put the anesthesia in my IV drip. It wasn't long till I was out. All I remember about the OR is.. well what I just said. But also looking up (cuz I was laying on my back) and seeing all kinds of shiny metal things and lights. Its not the most comfortable, welcoming place. But as far as I new I was in there for about 2 minutes.

Apparently while I was knocked out Clint wasn't getting the info he needed. He asked if I was out of surgery and they didn't know... like they had no record of me having surgery. They said I must be back in our room. I wasn't. He was not a happy camper. I guess they did eventually locate me (duh). Rhonda was there too, and I guess she raised some hell with the nurses for me.

Waking up from anesthesia is so bizarre. I woke up in a strange place... I guess it was back to the room I was in before the OR room. I could tell there was someone in there with me. I kept asking for water, she gave me ice chips. I'd pass right back out, just to wake up and do it all over again. I asked her what time it is, it was about 1:30. I don't know how much time passed between each time I woke up. I guess my vitals were good. I was hooked up to a blood pressure machine that took my blood pressure every so often, and finger monitor which I guess is for oxygen. And I had an oxygen tube in my nose. My throat hurt from the breathing tube they'd had in while in surgery. I got to go back to our room. Back to that bed. They hooked me up to the BP machine and all that again. Or maybe they never unhooked it? I don't remember. And they gave me a Demerol shot. Clint's mom left shortly after I got back to the rom. I was in and out for probably an hour after I got back to the room. My vitals were looking good, they let me take the nose tube out. It seems like it was 3ish when they brought me up a tray of liquids- 2 Jellos, beef broth, yummy orange flavored ice, grape juice. And of course by this time I could have water. I finished it all off! Clint helped feed me at first because I was still pretty loopy. I was able to hold it all down so they brought me some crackers a little while later. I ate some of those and at 5 dinner came. It was pork roast with potatoes & gravy, corn bread, broccoli, carrot cake and tea. I ate most of it. Not a lot of broccoli (without cheese?! lol). It wasn't delicious but it wasn't bad. Clint took a little nap. At 6ish they did my last vitals and started the discharge process. Yay for going home!

Zoey was definitely happy to see us! :) Rhonda made chicken noodle soup & grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner. We had cheesecake for dessert. Num num. We called it a night early, at about 9:30. I have a pill I have to take every 4 hours. I woke up at one to take it and couldn't get back to sleep. So I came to the living room thinking I'd be able to recline and fall asleep, but I decided to blog.

So to sum it up for those who didn't have time to read my novel:
I'd been bleeding for almost a week. And on the 17th the bleeding was much worse and I passed a clot. We went to the ER a little after 9PM. They did a pelvic exam and an ultrasound. The baby had no heartbeat and only measured at 8 weeks 4 days. Which means that I lost the baby almost 3 weeks before we found out, which is heartbreaking to think of. They decided to admit me to the hospital (Clint was able to stay with me) and the next day around noon my OB came and did a d & c which is where they "clean out" your uterus. I was totally knocked out for the procedure. After I woke up they took me back to our room and gave me a shot of Demerol so I was loopy and in & out of consciousness for a while. They let me eat some liquids and since I kept that down, they let me eat dinner at 5. I was discharged around 6.
If you read the short version, you should read some of the green too. It's the "how I'm feeling" now part. Here, I'll put a purple * by the ones you should read. Sound good? Good.

I need to take a paragraph to talk about how great my husband was through all this. I know a lot of times it was uncomfortable and awkward for him, and I know he hated to see me so emotional and defeated and in pain. But he was amazing. He was always there to hold my hand when I needed it. He helped me eat my liquids. He helped me to and from the bathroom when I was feeling week and/or dizzy. He was absolutely my rock and I don't know what I would have done without him.

*So how am I feeling? Physically, I feel worlds better. I already feel like I've got more energy and am getting back to normal. I don't think it was the pregnancy that has been making me feel so icky, I think it was that it was an unhealthy pregnancy. I have a little abdominal pain, but nothing serious. And a sore throat. Emotionally, I hate that I lost the baby. I hate to be glad that it's out of me and I can feel like myself again. I hate that I told everyone in the world and I know it will be a while before everyone knows that we lost it and they'll ask about it, and I'll have to tell them. Telling people is the funnest part about getting pregnant (well, other than the nookie), so it makes it even worse having to take it back.

When we first found out we were pregnant, I was so excited, but also nervous. In the back of my mind I had a bad feeling about it. But I pushed that feeling aside. I had no reason to believe I would miscarry. I told myself it wasn't intuition, it was paranoia. Up until last week, I was feeling really good about the pregnancy. I was nearing the end of the first trimester. Since most miscarriages happen in the first trimester, the second trimester seems like a save haven. A couple nights before the bleeding started, I had a dream that I'd miscarried. And I woke up relieved and feeling good. Because I was feeling so good about the pregnancy. I knew it was just a dream and our baby was fine. Boy was I wrong.

It will be a healing process, and it will be a while before we start trying again. Not sure how long. We'll have to see what my dr says and see how we feel about things. Part of me is afraid to start trying again, while the other part of me wants to jump back in quick. The hardest thing for me is all the plans we made. Just pans for having a baby by summer time. Plans for baby's first Christmas in 2011. Plans for a Jan or Feb baby shower. Just... plans. And now? No plans. No idea what to expect or what to think or what to do. I know that will come with time but right now its just hard. I haven't cried nearly as much as I expected to. I did most of it in the ER. I had a few sad moments in the hospital, just when my mind wandered. And some tears when we were waiting to go to the OR and as much as I knew we had to get the baby out of me, I also knew that that made it so final. I cried when I saw all the hearts posted on my Facebook from those friends & family I've already told, and the lovely girls from TMP.

*I consider myself an eternal optimist... There are a few bright sides to this dark situation. Timing coulnd't have been better. Clint is on vacation and his parents were in town. His mom was such a help through this, and I'm sure it helped him to have her here. Not to mention, she cleaned the crap out of my house while I was in the hospital. Clint's on vacation because Robin is in the state and we were supposed to be going to Bagdad. (I think we may go, just for a night or two. If I feel up to it). If he wasn't on vacation, I'd be stressing out about him missing work and losing that money. Also I lost about 5lbs in the short time I was pregnant so I'll try to keep it up and hopefully knock off some more pounds before we start trying again. It also gives us that extra time to get things in order. Clint's hoping he'll be able to get a job in Bagdad. Especially now because he was so unimpressed with the Kingman hospital or my doctor (he gets riled up, I'm more passive). So we'll see what happens. The one thing I can say for sure is that Clint & I will be parents someday. We'll get through this and we'll be even stronger as a couple and we'll get to achieve this dream.

And now, I should try to nap. I started this at 2AM and its now 6AM. I hope it doesn't take you as long to read it as it did to write it, lol.